Jordan with the rest of his family

This blog is called "A Mother's Heart" and for the most part, that is what I will write about, my own experiences. However, I need to take a moment and share with you how Jordan touched the rest of our family. Of course seeing my family with him was amazing for me. Introducing the loves of my life! This photo of Jordan next to Daddy's hand was taken while I was still in recovery. I was having a hard time picturing how tiny my little boy was. So Charles had someone take this photo so I could see just how little he was!



This next photo is just priceless. I wish it was not so blurry, but it is a photo of a beautiful Father and Son moment, Jordan holding his Father's hand. I am amazed that we have this touching moment preserved forever!

Daddy's kiss, so much love!

Daddy's tears...

Big Brother Zach spent most of his time videotaping Jordan so I could see his progress. I think Jordan must have thought his big brother had an odd shaped head! I am so thankful for all of the video footage I have. This is an amazing gift from Zachary to me.

Big Brother Benjamin meeting Jordan. He kept saying, "He is soooo little!" Jordan squeezed the fingers of his family and a couple of friends, he definitely knew who we were!

Just look at the contrast here between my sweet sons. Jordan all of 13 inches and his big brother Christopher 6 feet 3 inches! That is a big difference!!!

Jordan loved his family so much and the nurses stated that when we were in the room his vitals improved. They said that they could tell that he knew he was loved. All of those moments of us reading to him really paid off!

Jordan reaches out

Look at him there. He is squeezing my finger and pointing at me. "Mommy, I will be ok. I love you." Have you ever seen anything as precious as this?

Day One with Jordan

When I returned to my room that first time, there was a nurse or CNA, I am not sure which there. She said she was preparing to put me into a shared room. I started crying hysterically. Really bawling. She looked so shocked and looked at Charles who didn't know what was going on at the time. He rushed over and asked me what was wrong. I told him they were moving me into a shared room. A room with a mom and baby in it. I was gasping for air and started throwing up again. Charles washed my face and leaned in to whisper in my ear. Don't forget we have a care plan in place. Dr. Traugott already said that you will not have to share a room with a healthy baby in it. Don't worry, she doesn't know what she is talking about. You won't have to share a room. I am here, I won't let that happen. He spoke with the nursing staff and they agreed to give me a private room.

After resting for a couple of hours in my room, I was anxious to get back to see Jordan again. I tried to sit up, but got very sick. I felt so powerless and maybe even betrayed by my body. I wanted to be strong to go and see my son, but my body was not cooperating. Charles and a nurse helped me get to my feet. My nurse said that I had to walk all the way to the NICU this time. My eyes were welling up with tears, but I wanted to see my son, I would do this.

She put the wheelchair in front of me to hold onto in case I started to fall. I took my steps very carefully as I felt each step may cause my insides to come splashing out. "Just put one foot in front of the other..." I hummed, I can do this. It seems like it took an hour, but it must have been about ten minutes later, I arrived in the NICU! I did it, I get to see him again!

Once again, I was shocked to see him. He was so tiny. I just could not believe a baby this small could be so strong! 2 pounds 6 ounces 13 inches long and he was fighting with every fiber of it! At this visit he was dressed!! None of the clothes we had brought fit him. Premie clothes are meant to be for five pound babies, they were twice his size!! But the very sweet NICU nurse found the perfect outfit just his size! He looked so adorable all dressed up! Our little man!

By the time I got there this time, I was already wiped out. I could only stand for about ten more minutes and then started to throw up again. I had to leave. I went back to my room and napped a bit longer this time. A nurse put a 'Do not disturb sign on our door and Charles and I both slept. When I woke up we went right back down there. We had brought in a Precious Moments Angel doll and he was leaning against it. I think that is the sweetest photo we have of him. His tiny hand holding so tightly to his angel. It made me think about all of the Real Angels who were likely in his room every moment.


The boys were with us for this visit. We had forgotten our camera in my room. I said, "Next time we need to bring the camera so we can get a family photo. The nurse said, "Never wait for next time. One of you boys go get the camera." Zach went and got it and she snapped our family photo. This is the only photo we have of all of us. I am so glad she insisted that we take that photo right then.

We went back and forth many times that day, but not enough. I suppose it could never have been enough. At about midnight we woke up and I really needed to see Jordan right then. The nurse made us make the beds before we were allowed to visit Jordan. Doesn't that seem odd? Of course all we wanted was to see our son, so we quickly complied. Jordan was looking as beautiful as ever, though his color ws slightly darker. The nurse said that his kidneys were not functioning well and he was swelling some.

I prayed so hard all of that day. I prayed for miracles and for the strength to accept whatever was to happen. Charles and I celebrated every hour as if it was a birthday. What a miracle we were getting in time with Jordan.

Rabbit Trail - Overworked and TIRED

Prepare I feel a rant coming on...

I feel guilty about something. Or angry, it depends on which moment you catch me in. Well, for instance, this morning... wait, better start at yesterday.

I drove my parents all the stinkin way, sorry that is the rant part, to San Francisco for Mom's dr. appt. five hours each way plus two hours there. Mom is brain injured and not the most fun to be in the car with for that amount of time. But hey, I am a good sport right? So sure Jen will drive.

I had Christopher come with me because he LOVES SF and he has the best grades at the moment so he could best afford to miss school. While there I bought gifts at the Hard Rock Cafe for Ben and Zach. So all around I am a great person right?

I get home, well, no back up again, ON THE WAY home, I get a call on my cell phone which clearly must be an emergency b/c why else would you call someone on their cell phone who was driving in the rain with a screaming brain injured person in the back of the car.
"Mom, the puppy really messed up the laundry room."
"Zach, exactly what would you like me to do about that right now? Should I speak with the puppy? Put him on the phone."
"I want to know what to do about it?"
"Clean it"
"Well the puppy needs a bath because he rolled around in his mess."
"Put the puppy in the yard, clean the mess, wash the puppy. IN that order."

More driving with crazy screaming Mom
"Jenny, Jenny, JENNY!!!"
"Yes Mom"
"I have a headache"
"Yes, Mom, the doctor told you to close your eyes and quit talking and rest and the headache would feel better."
"I am trying to do that but I keep screaming"
"Yes mom, stop screaming"
"I don't know how"
"I love you Mom, just try to rest"
"JENNY!!!"
"Yes, Mom"
"I have a headache."
"Yes Mom, you need to rest."
"JENNY JENNY JENNY I love you."
"I love you too Mom"

Ok more driving, another phone call, it is my hubby,
"Jenny, I have a headache."
SERIOUSLY???
"Yes, sweetie what would you like me to do about that?"
"How far are you from Redding?"
"Only about 45 minutes."
"Could you bring me some Asprin?"
"I have Tylenol in my purse is that ok?"
"Yes, thank you so much."

More driving more crazy mom

Drop off Mom, bring Tylenol to Charles, Phone call Zach wants Burger King, go get that, another phone call, Ben says it isn't important he will talk to me when I get home....

OK HOME AT LAST

Give out gifts Zach gets first choice since he cleaned up after puppy, everyone is happy, I announce I am going to log on to my computer for five minutes and then go to bed if anyone wants anything they have only five minutes to ask.

Zach comes in to talk about his mean teacher did something again. He starts crying. I try to soothe him, did I mention that at this point I was EXHAUSTED but still, so sorry teacher is mean. (I honestly can't stand her). Charles comes home, more talk about mean teacher. Very tired, put on jammies go to bed while everyone is in my room chatting. Zach says he is upset that I didn't thank him for cleaning the laundry room. "Zach I said thank you and gave you first choice of Hard Rock pins"
"Oh yeah, that was cool. Thanks Mom"

I think at that point I just passed out, next thing I know I hear a cat scratching at the door. My arms are too heavy to lift. "Charles, PLEASE let the cat in or out or whatever"
"Ok"
(he does nothing)
"Charles the cat wants in, please do it, I am too tired."
"OK"
(he does nothing)
"I CAN'T DO EVERY SINGLE THING IN THIS HOUSE, TAKE CARE OF THE CAT!"
"Sorry sweetie"
(he let the cat in)
Ten minutes later, cat is scratching to get into the closet. My cat has serious closet issues.
"Charles, please take care of the cat, I can't move."
"OK"
(does nothing)
"NOW"
"Yes sweetie, I love you, you love me too right?"
"VERY tired, and yes."

it is 6:34 Christopher is in my room,

"Mom, I need lunch money"
"Chris don't wake me up to ask for money, do it the night before, or use your own money or bring a lunch there is pizza in the fridge"

6:40 - Ben comes in,

"Mom, my alarm didn't go off. Chris just woke me up."
"Ask Grandpa to take you."
(my dad lives with us and goes to mom's nursing home at the same time the boys go to school)
"He said his car is too messy."
(funny I thought MY car was the one used to drive people to SF YESTERDAY)

Charles says "What time do you have to be at school?"
"7:30"
"Ok Ben go get ready and Charles and I will figure out how to get you to school."

Charles says he will take Ben to school. I say, "On time?"
"No, he will be about half an hour late. I have to get ready for my dr appt first"

I get up to take Ben to school.
Before I get ready to go, I make a bathroom stop, pee on a stick, praying for two lines, only one. NOT pregnant.
Go take Ben to school.
He reminds me he is going swimming after school.
"Do you have a swimsuit with you?"
"Oops, could you bring it to school before 3?"

Finally home crawling into bed. Zach comes in, "Mom I don't want to go to my class today my teacher is too mean." Charles agrees to handle it. He takes Zach to school and even gets him transferred out of the class!! And he took Ben his swimsuit! I go back to sleep!!!!!

My First Visit With Jordan

Finally after five hours of anxiously waiting to see my son, a nurse came into my room. I asked her when I would be able to go see Jordan. She said that I could go as soon as I could sit straight up and stand and walk. Immediately, I pushed my automatic bed into a sitting position. Within two minutes I was vomiting again. I didn't care what it took. I would do anything to see Jordan. I knew that every hour was precious. I knew he didn't have a lot of time. I moved my legs to the side of the bed. I was in incredible pain, but all that mattered was getting to see Jordan. The nurses reminded me to take it easy as they helped me to stand. I did it. That first time, they made me walk on a few steps to the wheelchair. The reporters from the newspaper were right there with us. We all walked, one big Jordan fan club to the NICU. (Actually I was wheeling). Charles was pushing my chair, Bob Lecoe was there to take photos, My three sons were there to be a part, Amber and Melissa were there though they held back from entering the NICU (there was no way we would all fit in Jordan's small room. Once inside, Charles pushed me up to Jordan's bed. I couldn't see him very well as he was facing the opposite way. They repostioned me on the other side of his bed and at last, I could see his sweet face.

Even though I had seen him only five hours earlier, I was so surprised by how tiny he was. I now had time to see his tiny hands more clearly and to smell his sweet skin. I asked everyone to leave the room so Charles and I could be alone with Jordan, but what I really wanted was to be able to stand up and see him without worry that the newspaper photographer would get a photo of my rear end hanging out of my gown! Such a beautiful little boy.

I didn't have the strength to stand for very long. I felt so guilty needing to get back to my room. I wish I had the strength to stand there for the rest of his 27 hours. His room was very hot. My incision was killing me, and I thought I might pass out. It was a terrible feeling leaving his room. Mostly I believed he would be around forever, that some how the doctors would figure out how to make everything ok. But there was a small part of me that feared as I kissed his tiny face that I would never see him alive again. I put my finger in his hand and he squeezed it tight as if to say, "Go rest Mommy, I will be here when you come back."

Rabbit Trail - Discipline and Teenage Boys

Today, I must take a side journey from my stories on a Mother's Heart to discuss the disciplining of teenagers. I remember, way back in the day, when I was afraid to tell my parents something that I had done wrong. They had a big wooden stick with black electrical tape wrapped all around it that hung on the wall as a reminder that we better tow the line.

I have no such black stick in my home. I have something even worse. "The Look" seems to be all that I need. Come on, we have all seen 'the look' we have all used 'the look'. Why do my kids seem to think that it is worse than a death threat?

All three of my sons will be fighting and bickering and making our home generally chaotic. I will say to them, "Stop fighting, and find something constructive to do."

To which, invariably, they will all three say, "Why am I in trouble? I was just sitting there and he came over and touched me." Or changed the channel during my favorite show, or ate some of the crackers I was eating, or whatever horrible offense the brother in question may have done.

So my question is this, Is getting 'the look' and being told to do 'something else' really that tragic? I have seen these grown up boys fall from bike jumps, fall from skateboard tricks, hit their fingers with the hammer on accident and not shed a tear or act upset in anyway. Why is it the end of the world when mom says "Stop fighting"?

Well, today this question of discipline came to a head as my oldest son, Christopher called me from school on his cell phone. (No I do not pay for his cell phone, he buys his own pay as you go cards, I am not crazy!) Anyway, he calls me and says, "Mom, listen this is an emergency, I know I will be in big trouble when I get home. Just listen. Ok, some friends and I were skipping first period and the security guard caught us sneaking back onto campus. The attendance office is going to call you. Tell them you took me to the dentist and then dropped me off at the donut shop."

At first I felt this wave of fear. My child is in trouble I must do anything I can to rescue him. Then realty hit me (thankfully very quickly) and I said, "Christopher, I am not going to lie for you."

"Mom, this is not the time to teach me a lesson. I need you to just tell them you dropped me off. I will do whatever you say when I get home."

Nice try at a bargaining chip, but that pretty much was already a done deal. Of course he is going to do whatever I say when he gets home. And I am not going to lie for him.

A few minutes later, I got a call from the school phone number. It was Chris, "Mom, Hi I am in the attendance office. You need to tell the secretary about how you took me to the dentist this morning and dropped me off at the donut shop."

"Chris I am not going to lie for you."

"Mom, he he, don't joke around, you have to tell them."

"Chris, what are you so afraid of? Do you think they have firing squads at school now? You skipped school and now you have a detention or Saturday school to deal with. Take your consequences and deal with it."

The odd thing is that he sounded very relieved. Like he really thought they would injure him in some way and I had just saved his life. Oh, yeah, schools don't have firing squads, do they?

The whole concept really has me thinking about crime and punishment and teenage boys. Why is it that just a look can get them to stop bad behavior and go clean their room, and they will act as if you just beat them to a pulp?

Back in my days working as the Domestic Violence Specialist for Child Protective Services, I worked on a case where a six year old girl was asked about what her parents did that scared her. She talked first about her abusive father, some very true and scary things she had witnessed. But then she was asked about her Mommy. She said, "Sometimes when Mommy is mad she uses the angry face and angry voice." The social worker on the case actually took that as a sign of abuse. I said, "Oh come on, that is the only tool we have left to get a six year old to clean their room, do chores or leave the park. If you take that away, what is left? The world will be run by six year olds."

For me the angry face works. My kids are all much bigger than I am. I do not have to use any sort of brute force. I have perfected "The Look" and the way of saying "Boys" that gets my point across. It is a mystery why it works. But it works. But I think this afternoon when Christopher gets home, he will get the look, the voice, and some nice old fashioned grunt work chores!

Waiting to see Jordan

After the doctors had finished stitching me up, I was moved to a recovery room. I remember feeling so cold, I was shiverring violently. The nurses kept taking my temperature. They said the shiverring was due to the fact that when your body is open like that for surgery you lose a lot of body heat. They kept packing warm blankets on me, the shaking was overwhelming and very odd since I was still quite numb, I felt out of control of my own body.

My sons were allowed in to see me. They laughed and joked at how I looked laying there shivering with warm blankets all over me. We were in a Catholic hospital and Ben said, "Mom, you look like the statue in the hallway." I think he meant Mary and I am pretty sure she didn't have a c-section!


The boys were walking back and forth between the NICU and my recovery room. Zachary would video tape Jordan and come to show me updates. I can't tell you how happy I am to have his video he made. Because of his hard work, I have Jordan's first bath, when they measured him and so much more saved forever on video tape.

In these photos you see me looking at Jordan's video with some friends sitting near by. I had not yet been allowed to visit Jordan in the NICU. During my pregnancy with Jordan I had hyperemesis gravidarum (severe nausea and vomiting) in this photo you will see my lap has a basin on it. I was still very sick.










While in post op, the reporter from our local newspaper "The Record Searchlight" came in to talk with us. Mostly they just stood in the background and listened to what was going on and took photos. The photos above are two of the 232 photos they gave us later. We were so blessed to receive all of these wonderful photos of our time with Jordan. I spent five hours between surgery, recovery and post op waiting to see my sweet son again. Finally at 12:30, they let me go to the NICU to see my tiny son.

Meeting Jordan

Having a c-section is a bizarre feeling to say the least. The spinal block did numb me, I had no pain, but it was so weird to feel two doctors hands inside of me tugging and pulling! Dr. Williams said, "Charles, you may want to stand up and watch this." The anesthesiologist tried to pull Charles to the standing position. He said, "No, uh no, I don't, uh, no thank you."

The doctors handed our tiny bundle of Jordan to the nurse who walked him around and held him right next to my face. So this is him? He is so beautiful! All I could think about was shouldn't they be helping him? I loved having him so close to me, but should they be making sure he didn't die? He had the tiniest mouth I had ever seen!! I leaned up and kissed that tiny mouth and said, "I love you so much Jordan, I am so glad to see you!"

The nurse brought him over to the warming table to be examined. Charles walked over to be with Jordan. I heard the most wonderful sound I have ever heard. Just one tiny squeak from my baby boy! Everyone assured me he was fine, they didn't know that was the most beautiful thing I could ever hear. I didn't know that would be the only time I would ever hear him cry.




Silence can sometimes be deafening and this was one of those times. The NICU team whisked Jordan away and Charles and Deeda went with them. I was left there to be stitched up. Only two doctors, one nurse and our anesthesiologist remained. I took a deep breath trying to ward off the emotions that were flooding me. Fear, Joy, Love, Anticipation, Anxiety, Sadness, so many more feelings rushed over me like an ocean.

I think those emotions were so thick in the room that the few people remaining in the room could almost smell them. They all started at once trying to calm and encourage me. They were very sweet and wonderful. Finally the emotion I was left with would be best labeled as Peace.

Where have I been

I have had a few of you ask when you can expect the next letter, and I hope to get on that soon. I really want this to flow out. But gosh this next page is so hard to write. It is hard to put out here how my heart was broken.

We have also had a tough week this week. Christopher broke up with Alan and then Alan attempted suicide. He is ok though, and I talked with him today. Just a tough week.

I promise that my next installment is rolling around in my head and hopfully will be here soon.

love to all,

Jen