A really horrible day

Well, I have found over the past three years that the anticipation of those big days is usually worse than the big days. But that has worked against me I think because now I fail to prepare myself.

Well Sunday was Joshua and Josiah's EDD anniversary which of course leaves me thinking I should be planning double b-day parties ya know? How cool would that have been?

Well I woke up from a bad dream just sobbing my eyes out. DH was gone and I was all alone and couldn't stop crying.

My boys were in Oregon at their dads. I got out of bed for a little while, but went back to bed b/c I could shake the really yucky horrible feeling in my stomach. I felt really sick about the horrible dream and all alone in this big empty house.

About noon I forced myself out of bed and took a shower hoping to shake the funk. I got out of the shower and put on my jammies anyway. I just didn't feel like participating in the world.

At 12:30, I got the phone call that scares the crap out of every mom, but a post loss mom really can't handle.

Ex husband on the phone, "Ben is on his way to the hospital in an ambulance. He was snowboarding and did a flip in the air off a jump and landed on his head. He is on oxygen. We are headed to Providence Hospital." (this is 3 hours North of me in the town their dad lives in.)

I couldn't breathe. Honestly I had no ability to function, to make the decision of what to do next. I was immediately hysterical. I called my husband who works in Sacramento now which is three hours South of me. I was hysterical. He couldn't understand me. He kept asking me to repeat myself. I was hyperventilating, choking, my heart physically hurt, I couldn't get oxygen into my lungs. He asked over and over what happened. All I could say is ambulance, hospital. I thought I was speaking in complete sentences. He kept saying, "Who is in an ambulance?" he thought it was my mom. Finally he figured out what I said. He said, "I am calling my mom and asking her to come help you."

I hung up the phone, and started packing for a trip to Oregon. I called our pastor. I called a couple of friends in Oregon. I couldn't form sentences. I couldn't breathe.

My mother in law got here to take me to Oregon. I think that by the time she got here I was having a full on panic attack. All I could think of was "I am not picking out an urn for another child. I will not pick out funeral songs again." She drove my van to Oregon I wanted my van there so that the kids could lay down on the way home. She has a smaller car. I couldn't have driven. I still couldn't speak. My chest felt like it was going to cave in.

When we were about 2 hours north I got another call. Ben is doing well. They medicated him and plan to send him home today. I got a call half an hour later and he was at my in laws home. I asked what happened. He had a concussion and whip lash. Did they do a CT Scan? No. They gave him TEN MGS of MORPHINE!! How crazy is that? TEN!!!! I asked them to get all medical records so I could have them if I needed them in Redding. They said that the hospital would not release any records.

I went to the in laws house. Ben was seriously medicated he was beyond out, I tried to wake him, he was absolutely unconscious. I said I would go eat and come back to pick him up. xMIL said "He is not going any where tonight." xSIL said, "Absolutely NOT." Current MIL said, "If I were his mother he would be with ME."

I went to eat, and then went to the hospital to talk to the doctor. I got his medical records without hesitation. He said Ben was best off traveling that night b/c later he would be feeling a lot more of the pain.

I went back to pick him up, and the xSIL actually came out side and closed the door and said I couldn't take him with me. WHAT THE HECK?! Uh yeah he can! She said, "I don't understand what you are thinking." I said, "I guess it doesn't matter what you want. He is my son." And I walked past her into the house. She and xMIL tried to stop me from taking him. But current MIL had my back and we went in and got him. The ex husband had no problem with him leaving with me.

WELL THEN the next day, Ben was horribly sick throwing up. He was ten shades of green. I brought him to our local hospital and they wanted to do a CT Scan. I was glad. I wanted to make sure he was ok.

They got us right back, and a few minutes later the nurse came in and told me they were really backed up and wanted help answering phones. I was like, "WHAT?" He said, "Yeah if you could just come out and help for a few minutes. Ben would you be ok if your mom steps out for a few minutes?" he said, "Uh ok." So I went out there, and my EX HUSBAND was on the phone DEMANDING that they NOT treat BEN!!! He said, "I don't want him exposed to radiation!" WHAT?! The nurse explained to him that Ben was throwing up, that he had a severe concussion and they HAD to check for a brain bleed. He was arguing and being VERY combative. I was pretty much beside myself. I was still in shock that any of this was going on. I felt so sick, my heart hurt, I couldn't breathe. I just needed to know he was ok. Finally I just handed the phone to the nearest nurse and walked away in a sort of daze. She came into the room later and said, "I had a difficult time explaining to him why Benjamin NEEDS the scan, he doesn't seem to have very good verbal skills. I said, "Yeah thus the EX husband." They did the ct scan without his permission b/c it was medically necessary. After that phone call he was back in for the ct scan in about two minutes. I think they just wanted to hurry b/f he could raise any bigger of a commotion.

Well it was clear and he is going to be fine. But it was the most horrible day you can imagine. Well all of you CAN imagine that is what is so much worse about it ya know? We have all survived the losses already. It was just so horrible to get this scare on that day!!!