Rabbit Trail - Discipline and Teenage Boys

Today, I must take a side journey from my stories on a Mother's Heart to discuss the disciplining of teenagers. I remember, way back in the day, when I was afraid to tell my parents something that I had done wrong. They had a big wooden stick with black electrical tape wrapped all around it that hung on the wall as a reminder that we better tow the line.

I have no such black stick in my home. I have something even worse. "The Look" seems to be all that I need. Come on, we have all seen 'the look' we have all used 'the look'. Why do my kids seem to think that it is worse than a death threat?

All three of my sons will be fighting and bickering and making our home generally chaotic. I will say to them, "Stop fighting, and find something constructive to do."

To which, invariably, they will all three say, "Why am I in trouble? I was just sitting there and he came over and touched me." Or changed the channel during my favorite show, or ate some of the crackers I was eating, or whatever horrible offense the brother in question may have done.

So my question is this, Is getting 'the look' and being told to do 'something else' really that tragic? I have seen these grown up boys fall from bike jumps, fall from skateboard tricks, hit their fingers with the hammer on accident and not shed a tear or act upset in anyway. Why is it the end of the world when mom says "Stop fighting"?

Well, today this question of discipline came to a head as my oldest son, Christopher called me from school on his cell phone. (No I do not pay for his cell phone, he buys his own pay as you go cards, I am not crazy!) Anyway, he calls me and says, "Mom, listen this is an emergency, I know I will be in big trouble when I get home. Just listen. Ok, some friends and I were skipping first period and the security guard caught us sneaking back onto campus. The attendance office is going to call you. Tell them you took me to the dentist and then dropped me off at the donut shop."

At first I felt this wave of fear. My child is in trouble I must do anything I can to rescue him. Then realty hit me (thankfully very quickly) and I said, "Christopher, I am not going to lie for you."

"Mom, this is not the time to teach me a lesson. I need you to just tell them you dropped me off. I will do whatever you say when I get home."

Nice try at a bargaining chip, but that pretty much was already a done deal. Of course he is going to do whatever I say when he gets home. And I am not going to lie for him.

A few minutes later, I got a call from the school phone number. It was Chris, "Mom, Hi I am in the attendance office. You need to tell the secretary about how you took me to the dentist this morning and dropped me off at the donut shop."

"Chris I am not going to lie for you."

"Mom, he he, don't joke around, you have to tell them."

"Chris, what are you so afraid of? Do you think they have firing squads at school now? You skipped school and now you have a detention or Saturday school to deal with. Take your consequences and deal with it."

The odd thing is that he sounded very relieved. Like he really thought they would injure him in some way and I had just saved his life. Oh, yeah, schools don't have firing squads, do they?

The whole concept really has me thinking about crime and punishment and teenage boys. Why is it that just a look can get them to stop bad behavior and go clean their room, and they will act as if you just beat them to a pulp?

Back in my days working as the Domestic Violence Specialist for Child Protective Services, I worked on a case where a six year old girl was asked about what her parents did that scared her. She talked first about her abusive father, some very true and scary things she had witnessed. But then she was asked about her Mommy. She said, "Sometimes when Mommy is mad she uses the angry face and angry voice." The social worker on the case actually took that as a sign of abuse. I said, "Oh come on, that is the only tool we have left to get a six year old to clean their room, do chores or leave the park. If you take that away, what is left? The world will be run by six year olds."

For me the angry face works. My kids are all much bigger than I am. I do not have to use any sort of brute force. I have perfected "The Look" and the way of saying "Boys" that gets my point across. It is a mystery why it works. But it works. But I think this afternoon when Christopher gets home, he will get the look, the voice, and some nice old fashioned grunt work chores!