Fresh Hope

June 4, 2005, Charles left town for a work related training. He was scheduled to be out of town for two weeks. On June 9th I wasn't feeling well. I felt hot when it was really cold in the room, and I felt cold when it was hot. I was dizzy, and having a hard time remembering things. I woke up the next morning feeling even worse. June 10, I took an early home pregnancy test. I knew it was probably much too early to get a positive but I was feeling so under the weather and felt that if I wasn't pregnant I may need some sort of medical treatment. Imagine my shock when that second line appeared!

It was a faint line but definitely there. You didn't even have to squint to see it!! I was thrilled but feeling so cautious! It was a Friday morning and Ben and Zach always went to the Christian club on their campus on Friday mornings. I tried my best to hide my excitement and took them to school. As soon as they were out of my car, I called my good friend Amber and told her about the test. We agreed that I should ask for a blood test to confirm. I called my OB's office and they agreed to the test.

About 3:00 that afternoon, I got the call, my HCG level was 74! I was pregnant! Now came the hard part. I swore Amber into the 'Secret Service" and tried very hard not to tell a soul until my husband came home and I was able to share with him. That lasted about ten minutes. My supervisor from Shasta County Women's Refuge called to speak to me about something else and I told her that it was time for her to start looking for my replacement. I wanted to quit working so I could concentrate on having a healthy pregnancy.

My kids came home from school that day and kept saying that I should take a test because they were sure I was pregnant. I told them I wasn't going to test until Charles came home. Well clearly I was bubbling over to tell someone so I got online and asked my online buddies to help me to develop a wonderful surprise for Charles. The ideas came pouring in. I was having a blast preparing the surprise.

Charles called that evening to check in with me. He told me that he had been crying that day because it was three months since Jordan's birth and he so much wanted a baby. It was so hard not to tell him I was pregnant, but I didn't want to do it over the phone. Also, I wanted him to be able to mourn Jordan separately from the celebration of our new baby.

That Sunday at church, my mouth just kept going. This was becoming less of a secret and more of a news bulletin. I was just so excited for this miraculous blessing we were receiving.

The next week at work, Amber got plenty of opportunities to laugh at me. She was doing well with her 'Secret Service' delegation, and I was bubbling over with information.

Charles was coming home on Friday June 17 at 7:00 pm. All of my energy was directed at surprising him in the most wonderful way. It was Father's Day weekend and I was going to get to give him the best possible Father's Day surprise.

I thought it was important to first acknowledge that he is a father so I began by making him a gift from Jordan. I adapted a poem which had been adapted from the Dr. Suess book, "Oh The Places You'll Go". I changed the adapted poem to include information about our family. I added some beautiful photos of Jordan and framed it. After he opened that gift we had a wonderful dinner together (the boys were all out of town). After dinner I was so anxious to tell him the news. I asked him if he had time to sit and talk. He said that he really wanted to unload his car and start a load of laundry. Gosh that was a hard wait! I had put together a treasure hunt and I was so afraid he would accidently discover one of the hidden messages.

Finally he was ready to spend time with me. I told him that I had a treasure hunt for him and pointed to a bucket in the corner. I started the video camera and sent him on his way. The entire treasure hunt was made up of cleaning supplies. I knew that I would soon be very sick, and it would be up to him to take over those duties. All of the messages gave clues that I was pregnant and where the next clue could be found. The final clue was in the dishwasher. It was a Father's Day card to the "Father to Be" from the baby with a positive pregnancy test inside!

Charles said, "Wait what does two lines mean? What does two mean? Are you pregnant?" and he broke out in sobs. He was screaming for joy, and crying, and running to me all at once. He was thrilled.

After about 45 minutes he had stopped crying enough that I could give him the rest of his gifts. I gave him a Willow Tree Figurine of a Mother looking over the shoulder of a new Father holding a New baby. The Big Book of Dr. Suess for him to read to his new baby. This book included the Dr. Suess version of the story I had adapted to be from Jordan. I gave him a book for very young children called, "What Dad's Can't Do" and a book of 3D ultrasounds from conception to birth.

I can't think of how it would be possible for Father's Day to have been any more precious, other than if our sweet Jordan had been able to stay. We had renewed Hope in our home. A new blessing. Jordan was a Big Brother.

Definite rabbit trail!

Hello All!

Well, most of you know we have been in the middle of a move. I wanted to post our progress photos here so you could enjoy it with us. There is still MUCH to be done!!

Of course I will begin with the pinwheels and the new fountain to remember our Angels...

































This is the teddy bear we bought on Joshua's due date. Doesn't it look like he planned for me to find the perfect one?! It goes so well with the blankie my dear friends bought for him!




















Outside back yard

















Bedroom, don't you love that paint?











































Hall bathroom











Dinning room HATE the drapes!



Soon will have this art up...
http://www.allposters.com/-st/Bill-Brauer-Posters_c30557_.htm














Living room still waiting to rehang drapes we will have Jack Vettriano art soon. Charles painted the walls aren't they beautiful?!

Follow this link to see our art
http://www.art.com/asp/display_artist-asp/_/crid--3237/Jack_Vettriano.htm

We bought The Waltzers, Eulogy for a Dead Admiral and Singing Butler.














See, I am still battling the mess!!! So much to do!












My messy office still waiting to be organized. Charles and I have side by side desks now!

What is a spinal patch like?

I realized that I mentioned the spinal patch without really describing that day. It was one of the worst days of my life. If a medical proceedure can really feel like rape, this one did. I wrote about this on the Hannah's Prayer support site, so I will just paste here what I wrote there...

I had complications to my c-section from Jordan. He died after 32 hours and I was back in the hospital two weeks later. I had what they called a "seroma" which is when fluid collects under the skin at the sight of the incision. I had to have this drained every three days. It was horribly painful. They say it was most likely caused because I was up and walking so soon after my c-section (I had to get to and from the NICU). The other complication I had was that the hole left in my spine by the spinal block needle did not close. My spinal fluid was leaking and I had TERRIBLE neck and head aches. More terrible than I can explain.

March 25, the day after Jordan's funeral, I had to be hospitalized. The proceedure is called a blood patch, spinal patch or epidural patch. The doctor drew blood from my arm to inject it into my spine. The hope being that the blood would clot and close the hole in my spine.The doctor doing that proceedure was one I had never met. I asked if Charles could stay with me, he gave me a short NO and wheeled me out.

The sweetest nurse ever held my hand as the doctor was speaking to me. I had mentioned to them that Jordan died and about the painful seroma. The doctor said, "Why do you want this proceedure anyway? Do you really think it is going to help?"
I said, "I don't really know anything about this proceedure. My doctor recommended it because since my c/s I have had terrible neck and head pain."
He said, "Well, most women who need this proceedure don't wait so long. Are you sure you really need it? I think if you really needed it, you would have come in sooner."
I said, "Well, I was planning my sons funeral which was just yesterday."
He said, "Well, if I can't talk you out of it than lets get it over with so I can leave. This isn't how I want to spend my Friday night."
The nurse was whispering in my ear, "You will be ok sweetie, I am so sorry he is being like this." She put a tray in front of me and said to lean against it. I did as instructed with my bare back to the doctor. She drew the blood and handed him the needle. Then she got right in front of me and made eye contact with me holding both of my hands in hers. She whispered, "This is going to be painful. I am here, you can do this."
Then the doctor shoved the needle so hard into my spine that I fell forward onto the table and hit my face on it. I was so afraid when that happened that I could have put my spine at greater risk because I moved, but it was impossible not to fall he shoved me so hard. Because I had the seroma it literally felt like my insides were falling out. I can't describe the intense pain I was feeling. I usually have a high pain tollerance. I have had three natural vaginal deliveries without any pain meds whatsoever without ever screaming or moaning. But when he shoved that needle in and I collapsed I let out the sadest moan of my life. It was as if all of the pain of Jordan's death mixed with all of the pain of the c/s and this proceedure and it all came out in a single cry. The nurse continued to whisper, "I am so sorry I am so sorry hold on, I am so sorry." Finally when he was done he walked out and she laid me on my back and told me not to move at all for five hours.

This man was just so cruel. I don't understand what happens with people in life that cause some to be compassionate and caring and others to be so cruel. It isn't as if I felt I deserved special treatment because of my loss and pain issues. I did want to be treated like a human being though, and I do not believe I received that treatment from him.

I wish I could find the name of this angel of a nurse. If I knew who she was, I would send her a rose every day of my life.

After the proceedure it took about two days for my spinal fluid to build up to the point that the neck, head and back pain would leave. However, it took two months for the bruising on my back to go down. I couldn't even lean against a hard chair or lean over very far because of the pain he left me.

Lemon Juice in the wound

If you have a weak stomach or you don't like those TMI conversations women seem to have this may be an entry you would rather skip. For me, it is such a part of the journey that I can't leave it out.

May 19th was my first period after giving birth to Jordan. It seemed a bit heavy but I thought that was probably normal after giving birth and thought nothing of it. Charles and I went to our bereaved parents group like we always did on Thursday nights, it was held at the hospital Jordan was born in.

When the group closed, I got up from my chair and felt a gush of blood pouring down my legs. I hurried to the bathroom, freshened up, changed all of my feminine hygiene products, stood up and once again I was standing in a pool of blood. I had never bled so much in my life. I told Charles that since we were at the hospital anyway, maybe we should go to the ER. We headed over there and I was still gushing out blood. Well, they were busy and made us wait for four hours before seeing a doctor. Charles called my friend Amber to come and sit with me so he could go home to check on the kids and get me clean clothes. While he was gone, I sat there wrapped in a hospital blanket in hospital pants bleeding and crying.

The receptionist called my name over the intercom. "Jenny Davidson, please come to window number two" I knew that if I stood up I would be covered in blood again, so I sent Amber to find out if I really needed to come up there. While she was gone, one of my domestic violence clients came up to me in the waiting room. She said, "I thought that was you they called." Amber returned and it was nothing, they just needed to confirm some information. The client went on to say that she had just found out she was pregnant. She said that she knew that her husband was not the father and because of that, he beat her up and kicked her out of the house. She started talking about wanting an abortion. I was sitting there in a pool of blood, listening to her talk about her violent marriage, pregnancy and her desire for an abortion. I wanted to die.

I handed her my business card and said that I was unable to help her at the moment but that she could call my office in the next week for an appointment. Then I started crying even more.

After 12 hours, four pelvic exams, an ultrasound, and what seems like a million arms in my privates I was sent home and told that the bleeding had slowed and they didn't know why it had been so bad in the first place.

I was in so much pain, emotionally and physically, I just wanted to sleep for a week.

Those first few weeks after my heart was broken

People think that they can imagine how the death of a child would effect them. They think they would die, or that they would be able to get over it, or that it would be similar to losing a pet. I have heard all stories believe me. "I remember when my goldfish died, and I was sad for days, but then I got a new gold fish and moved on." Sorry not the same thing. I will do my best to describe those early feelings, but since it has been eleven months, even some of my own words may be a bit limited.

I couldn't bring myself to use the correct words. I could say, "Jordan left" or "My baby is gone" as if he was at the store but would return at any moment. I certainly could not have said, "My baby died" or "My baby is dead." My mouth found it impossible to use those words. Still, even though I was unable to say it, I definitely understood it. I knew he was gone. I knew he would not be coming back. I felt as if I had died with him. That in the universe some mistake had been made that allowed my heart and soul to completely die, and yet my body and mind were left here, detached from any source of joy.

I felt a ton of guilt. I felt like I had taken my newborn son to the airport and put him on a plane and sent him out onto a journey all alone. I felt I had abandoned him. I felt like a terrible mother for not staying with him. He was so very tiny and sick, how could I allow him to go alone.

As my heart was breaking, my body was as well. I had major complications to my c-section. One was called a 'Seroma' which is when fluid collects at the site of the incision. I had to go in and have that drained every three days. It was terribly painful and I had a very difficult time standing up or walking. I also had a complication from the spinal block. The hole from where the spinal block was given didn't close. This caused the spinal fluid to drain from the hole. I can't possibly describe to you the amount of physical pain associated with this condition. My head, neck and back were in incredible pain.

Because of this physical pain, I was on a lot of pain killers. I was happy to have them. I would take exactly my prescribed dose without waiting even a minute past the time I was scheduled for the next dose. Yes, physically it was necessary, however, I think that if my baby had lived I may have tried to not take them as much. As it was he was gone, I appreciated the escape and sleep that the medicine gave me. I spent most of the first three weeks after Jordan's death in bed asleep. The combination of the medications started making me sick, and one day I just quit taking them all. I couldn't handle throwing up as it reminded me of when Jordan was still safely tucked inside me.

The first month was a fog. I was in shock, I was heavily medicated, and I was asleep. I didn't have to face much of what had happened that month. I did cry a lot and look at his photos and video a lot, but mostly I was in a state of disconnect.

The second month brought the emotional pain. The physical pain was greatly improved, the medication was gone, and now the reality of the loss of my son came and hit my like a truck. Of course this was also the time that we started getting "THOSE" comments..."It has been a month, shouldn't Jenny be moving on by now?" "Why does she always want to talk about Jordan?" "She has three other kids and a husband to live for, why is she so sad?" "At least she didn't get the chance to really bond with him." I have decided any phrase that begins with "WHY" or "AT LEAST" should be banned from the ears of a bereaved parent.

There is no greater love than that of a parent and child. That love begins at conception, or even before, when they start dreaming of this child and planning for this child and trying to conceive. That is when the bond happens. Do people really believe that the bond can't happen until the child is in kindergarten? Haven't they seen a mother nursing her baby at her breast? Haven't they seen the look in the eyes of a very uncomfortable pregnant woman gently stroking her belly? Haven't they seen the look in a mother's eyes when she gives her newborn the first kiss? Can they really believe that it is possible to take that baby away without absolutely crushing the heart of the mother?

At least every two or three minutes, and this is a literal estimation, not exaggeration, at least every couple of minutes I thought of how much I wished I had died and was with Jordan in Heaven. Every single moment every single day, I missed him. My breasts ached to have nursed him. It took weeks for that milk to completely leave. My body cried out as my heart did for this little boy I loved.

Of course there are state and federal guidlines that tell a mother how long after a birth she should be ready to move on with her life. With a c-section, that is eight weeks. I had eight weeks to die inside before I was required to live. May fifth, three days BEFORE my due date, I had to be back at work. I felt so much sadness and guilt about going back to work. I felt like I was leaving Jordan in the past like so many other memories that eventually are so faded you almost forget they happened. Like high school sweethearts I had sworn to love forever and now can not even remember their faces, I thought that Jordan's memory would disappear from my life. I held to every memory and rehashed them over and over in my mind all of the time. I was terrified that if I didn't focus all of my energy on remembering that I would surely forget.

Once I was back to work, I was surrounded by life again. I started feeling a bit better. I found it was ok to smile again. As the tiniest bits of joy creeped back into my life, I realized something amazing. When you allow some of the pain to lift, the joy and the memories flood back in. There just isn't room in one heart for that much joy and that much sadness at once. I began to realize that I was not leaving Jordan in the past at all. He had been catapulted to my future. He was waiting for me at the finish line, cheering me on. Instead of focusing on the deep unfathomable pain of my loss, I was able to focus on the amazing joy that waited for me in the future. I gained the eternal perpective of Jordan waiting for me, loving me, and busy about the Lord's business. Sure someone else's baby was learning to crawl, my son was up there dancing with angels and riding on rainbows, maybe even leading an army? I gained a pride that no one else could ever understand.

Those are my eight weeks after my loss as my "Mother's Heart" learned to beat again, not the same beat as before, but maybe something sweeter.

March 25, Jordan's funeral

A day no Mother ever thinks she will have to plan. It was time for my dearly loved son's funeral. Something kind of odd happens when you learn that your child will die. You change your plans for him. Instead of planning for playpens, craddles, and high chairs, you start planning a funeral. I wanted Jordan's funeral to be perfect. I wanted everyone who came to really understand what a very significant, sweet, beautiful little boy Jordan had been. I wanted them to see our love for him. I wanted them to get to know Jordan.

It had been my plan to speak at Jordan's funeral. However, when the day came for his funeral, I was in extreme physical pain. I was having major complications from my c-section. I was almost unable to walk and the pain was so severe that I was having a tough time even speaking. My neck hurt so much that I could just barely support my head. You will see that in most photos I am leaning against Charles. The doctors had prescribed very strong pain medications, but I wanted to have a clear head and didn't take any that morning. This turned out to be a mistake because I was in so much pain that I was having a difficult time focusing on his funeral. The next day I was hospitalized because of this pain and had to have blood injected into my spine. Charles gave the Eulogy and did a beautiful job. His Eulogy is published on Jordan's website.

I put a slide show together of his photos along with two beautiful songs. We played "Homesick" by MercyMe and "Dancing With Angels" by Monk and Neagle. We played the video of Jordan's dedication that our pastor had done just hours before his death. We had a very dear friend and family life pastor of our church do Jordan's funeral. This wonderful man had been in the room as we kissed Jordan good bye. The photos you see below are part of the photos given to us by our local paper from the story they did on Jordan. I am so grateful to them for these wonderful photos.

Four Days later - A visit with Jordan

Four days after Jordan died, Charles had to go to the funeral home to identify his body. He saw him and was surprised at how great he looked. He asked me if I wanted to go visit him one last time. I was so afraid. It seemed that either I would get this beautiful bonus of time with my son. The one last moment everyone always begs for, or it could be terrible to see him so long after his death. My husband warned me that Jordan would be very cold, but that his coloring was very good. I was excited for one last moment with him and to have photos of my son and I without me in a hospital gown or without my nose red from crying. I decided I could imagine that he had been playing in the snow and was chilly from making snow angels. Somehow that worked for me.

Jordan looked better than I ever could have hoped for. The song "One More Time" by Diamond Rio always reminds me of this visit with Jordan.

Final bath and taking 3D molds of his hands and feet

Jordan had died but we still had time with him. We wanted molds of his hands and feet. We wanted to give him his bath and get him all dressed one last time...

My very dear friend Amber and Daddy work together to make 3D molds of Jordan's hands and feet. These are my most prized possessions, I can stroke his tiny fingers and toes anytime I want.






Daddy shows off Jordan's tiny feet...




Final bath...

Just can't let go

After Jordan died, The nurse removed the rest of his tubes and wires and we could really snuggle our son for the first time. Finally able to hold him, we didn't want to let go.


Daddy with Jordan...






Moments with Mommy...

Kissing Jordan Good-bye part two

I decided that the easiest way to tell you about our final moments was just to show you... I have to post it in two parts because I have more photos than it allows me to do at once. I have copied this paragraph into the other post as well.



Family moment...



Christopher kissing Jordan good bye...



Mommy showering Jordan with kisses... a thousand kisses wouldn't be enough.

Kissing Jordan Good-bye

This entry has been the hardest to write. I have come and started and walked away a dozen times. At about twelve o'clock on March 11, after two nights at the hospital Charles went home to shower. After he had been gone about ten minutes Jordan's doctor came in and told me that he had less than an hour to live. I called Charles and told him he needed to come right back to the hospital. We called some dear friends to let them know it was time to kiss Jordan good bye. There were 25 people in the room. People were singing "On Holy Ground". I am sure we could feel the presence of Angels in the room welcoming Jordan home to Heaven. We all gathered around him and told him that we loved him and that it was ok for him to go. The nurse removed his ventilator and we held and kissed our son. He died at 3:00 pm March 11th surrounded by people who love him.

I decided that the easiest way to tell you about our final moments was just to show you... I have to post it in two parts because I have more photos than it allows me to do at once. I have copied this paragraph into the other post as well.





Zachary telling Jordan good bye...




Benjamin Kissing Jordan good bye...





Jordan's final moments before the vent was removed





Prayers with dear friends...





The vent is gone, but Jordan keeps fighting. Daddy and Mommy feeling Jordan's heart still beating. Mommy tells him it is ok to go with the Angels...



Daddy kissing Jordan good bye...