In Honor of Autumn Joy

I had a thought today as I am missing my sweet Autumn Joy more and more lately. I was thinking about what Autumn looks like all over the world and what Autumn Joy may mean to different people.

I want to make a collage of postcards of Autumn Joy. I need your help!

Could you try to find a post card from your area that shows what Autumn Joy means to you and send it to me? It could be a picture of leaves changing colors, of children enjoying the fall, or whatever Autumn Joy means to you.

Thank you so much for helping me to remember my Autumn Joy!

Here is my mailing address

3910 Roesner Ave
Redding CA 96002

The Rest of the Story 2005

After finding out that I was pregnant in June, I felt like so much healing could take place. I had so many great hopes.



Because my c-section was so recent, I began to show right away. This photo is of me at only twelve weeks!















Here is our ultrasound taken at nine weeks. Isn't he just so cute! The ultrasound tech was sure that our baby was healthy. His growth was measuring ahead for his age, and his nuchal fold looked really good though it was too soon to preform that test effectively. We were scheduled for an NT scan on August 19th.

August 17, we went in for a routine exam. The nurse was not able to get a heartbeat from using the doppler, but I was only 13 weeks 5 days pregnant and that can be normal, especially with the scaring from the recent c-section. They decided to do an ultrasound just to make sure that all was well.

I knew as soon as the wand hit my tummy that our baby had died. I had enough ultrasounds under my belt to know what to expect. He was lying there lifeless. That beating heart we had seen the month before was now still. I immediately began sobbing. My husband said, "Don't worry sweetheart." and my OB said, "I am so sorry." and then Charles knew too, our baby had died.

The next day we came in for a follow up ultrasound with a better quality machine to confirm that our baby had died. I asked my doctor if there was anyway to get a photo of our baby could he please. Even if it was just a tiny foot or hand or anything. He said if I brought my camera to the OR he would do his best.

Then we went to the hospital for the D&C. Our hospital experience was terrible this time. The nurses were patronizing and didn't listen to what was really going on and kept asking the same painful questions over and over. I had to tell them at least five times that this was the second baby we had lost in six months. I mentioned the c-section in March and she asked, why are you already pregnant if you have a baby at home. I had to say that he had also died. Then she asked when my last surgery was. I told her I had a c/s in March, she acted surprised and asked about the baby. She asked when was the last time I had pain meds. I had a c/s in March, she was again surprised why are you pregnant already? Over and over the same question came up. It was torture. Every time I told her he died, she would say, "Oh that's no fun at all." EVERY time!!!! It took her over an hour to fill out a one page admitting paper, then finally another nurse came in and took it away from her and did it herself. The nurse had to stick me at least five times to get a vain and then let it bleed all over. She said, "Wow that is sure a lot of blood." But made no effort to stop the bleeding or clean it up. Another nurse again had to take over.

Once we were ready for 'the proceedure' I had to walk to the OR. That was a horrible walk. I could hardly make my feet take those steps knowing that my baby would be gone when I awoke. When I got to the OR, my OB wasn't there yet, and I was holding the camera. I asked the nurse where I should put it and told her that my doctor had said to bring it and he would try to get a photo. She said, "Oh honey, there won't be anything left to get a picture of!" and kind of giggled a little. I was horrified. Just then my doctor walked in and heard her and took the camera and gave her a dirty look. I wonder what was said while I was asleep.

I was out pretty quickly after that and woke up in the recovery room. I felt so terrible and sad. My baby was gone. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to look at my visitors, but I didn't want to be alone either. My husband, his aunt and my friend Amber were all there waiting for me. I just wished I could die or at least go back to that deep sleep of anesthesia. Soon after Amber had to leave and Charles walked his aunt out to her car. I was alone. Two women came in to the recovery room, as I lay there sobbing, and started doing inventory. They were calling out names of machines and the serial numbers of them. I was horrified. I just wanted peace and quiet. It was as if everything else was amplified. I couldn't believe that of all the time they could be doing inventory that it had to happen while I was laying there bleeding and missing my baby. I covered my head with my pillow and sobbed violently. But none of it stopped, it went on for 45 minutes. Then I heard my nurse on the phone with someone. "No do not dispose of it, the parents want it cremated." "IT?" are they talking about my baby?

The nurse said I could go home soon. I asked her when I would get my rhogam shot. She said, "Oh you are O- aren't you?" Let me call the lab for your blood test results. I told her I had the card right there in my purse from the last time, she said the lab had to confirm it first. We had to wait an addition four HOURS for this confirmation. After about three hours, she said, "Oh you are getting a roommate! Another Mom needs to come in here to recover from her c-section! We need to make room for her and for the bassinet for the baby." I began to sob. I asked her, "Can I just sit in the hallway or something? Please don't make me lay here with a baby in the room." She looked at me with a blank look on her face like I was some baby hater or something. She seemed offended that I didn't want to see the baby, but allowed me to sit in a chair in another room while we waited.

Finally we got to go home. I just wanted to sink into my bed and never get up again. I think I would have done just that if it hadn't been for my family's love. They forced me out of bed and back into life. But still I wanted to die. My Mother in law bought a beautiful bench and two pinwheels to put in our yard so I could sit and think of my babies. My sons each did their parts to be very sweet. My husband was amazing. He built two flower beds and planted over 150 flower bulbs as a memorial area for our babies. Taking care of those flowers was my way of caring for my babies I would not get to see until Heaven.

One month later I got the test results back. We found out that our little baby was a boy. Joshua Michael Davidson. We also found out that he had Trisomy 21, also known as Down's Syndrome. There is no link between Down's Syndrome and Trisomy 18. It is just a fluke they say, that we had two babies lost to a Trisomy. Lightning can strike twice.

The depression didn't let up. After about a month of feeling like I was dead inside, Charles talked me into talking to my doctor about it. I was put on Zoloft for depression and within a week, I felt so much better. I was almost back to my old self. I was able to process and work through my grief. It was an amazing gift.

November 15 I had a feeling I was pregnant again. I requested a blood test. It came back as a six! Five and under is considered a negative test. I had a six! I had to wait a week for a second test I took it on November 22, that one was a 41. I was pregnant again!! November 24, I began spotting and had another test November 29, I got the results on December 1, my HCG was down to a 3, we had lost that baby too. We didn't know if our baby was a boy or a girl. But we decided to name her Autumn Joy. This is what this baby meant to us.

I am writing this four months after losing our sweet Autumn Joy and I think that her loss hits me more today than it did that day in November. I guess your heart only lets you feel what you can handle and at that point, I was already on overload.

We are still trying to conceive a baby. And very much hope to report soon that we are again blessed with that hope.

Time for Zach's cast to come off!!!

After a whole month in a bright orange cast, it is time to get it off!!



On the way into the Dr.s Office, feeling very confident. He has his lucky Spongebob shirt on and his purple jacket, what could go wrong?


















Getting nervous the doctor said he had to go get the saw!





















You're gonna do what?


















Please don't hurt me! Wait, this tickles like crazy!!


















Prying it open





















Almost done!
















I'm FREE!! It is so much lighter!


How long until I can go snowboarding or play football?

Ok, I will be back in a couple of months for the next cast!

Time For Birthday Cake!!!

One of the few indulgences I got when I was pregnant with Jordan was a few tastes of chocolate! I knew that he would want a chocolate cake at his party!! I just loved the balloons!












Of course his party would not be complete without an Angel Food Cake!!














Mommy and Daddy blowing out his candle, we are laughing because although there was only one candle it took us working together about three tries to get it out!!!

Happy Birthday Precious Son!








First piece of cake goes to Mommy right?

The Party In Heaven, What Jordan's Buddies Brought for him!

A good friend on Hannah's Prayer posted this for Jordan, I just think it is so sweet. Here is her post and the replies that followed. I read these out loud at his party!


Since Jordan and his Mommy are generously sharing the balloons, I want to be sure to have my kiddos bring him gifts as well.

Jonathan will bring him friendship...a buddy to hang with and an older guy in heaven that knows the best mud holes and bike paths. He will also bring Hot Wheels.

Lily will bring sweetness and hugs. She will kiss on Jordan and hold his hand while he learns to walk (as if he can't already in heaven ) and show him how to blow out his birthday candle. She will give him a kitten.

Hope will give him energy and spirit. She will bring her love for the Lord and his works and she will bring praises for the fact that her Mommy met his Mommy on earth. She will give him a tricycle (and the tag will say Love your Mom and Dad) with all the bells and whistles and help Lily teach him how to ride it.

I know all of our babies will bring praises to God for the miracle of Jordan. And the angels will sing both about his birthday miracle on earth and about his arrival in heaven. What a day! I hope they take good pictures for when we get there to see this celebration.

*Sniff* just thinking about it Oh, and should they dress to get dirty or wear fancy clothes?

Suzanne


Nathaniel will give Jordan and hug and a high five... both of them with their now perfect little hands.

Amy

preston and abigail can't decide yet -- they're like their mommy and do things last minute. i'll post when it's closer Christina

What a sweet idea!Knowing that Jenny had HG, like I did, Zachary and my sweet one will bring some snacks....saltines, an i.v., and a large dose of Zofran. I'm sure that will remind him of the days that he was still under her heart!

Seriously, Jenny, I'm sure they have already brought him joy as they have played at the feet of Jesus and been our "cloud of witnesses." I'm sure that Jordan has already pointed you out to my two and said, "That's my mom and she's the best. I can't wait until you get to really meet her." Wishing you peace and joy as you anticipate his party,

Kim

Gracie will bring cupcakes and a bounce house. Praying for you Jenny as you anticipate this bittersweet milestone

Tina

My little heaven ones will organize the singing (as we are a very musical family) of the Happy Birthday song. This will sound unusually fantastic as it will be accompanied by a huge choir of angels.

Sharon

Jesse will bring wisdom, for he has been sitting at Jesus' feet for 7 years now!! I sure miss my boy!

Blessings,

Karen

This is such a nice thought to ponder...I had never really done this...thanks Suzanne and Jenny...for letting me think sweet, endearing, happy thoughts of my babies, especially during these trying times of anticipation....

Gioia is my free spirit, she will bring joy, serenity and imagination as wild as the Heaven's daffodil fields speckled with multicolor butterflies.

Little One will bring adventure, courage and strenght as they embark on a ship sailing across the ocean starry sky

Now...I feel like I am flying with them...

Miriam


Moriah will bring some books, she loves to learn and read so she wants Jordan to have some of her books.

Koen will bring his buddy a suit of armor and some play swords so they can be in the army, you know, the Lord's army.

The other kids will make some rice krispy treats!!Mmmmm

Kara


Anthony will care for Jordan and read him stories

Suzanne in Australia


Christian will bring the party-favor bags for everyone!

They will have lots of stuff in them, including: m&m's, toy cars, balloons, coloring books, crayons, markers(you don't have to worry about making a mess in Heaven), bounce balls(I wonder how high they bounce up there), and confetti!

Oh, what fun it is going to be! I think, if I stop and close my eyes, I can see them running around.....SO EXCITED.....getting ready for the party!
What a fun day in Heaven it will be!**I would also like to make sure that my aunt's son, Jason, who was born still, 31 years ago, will be there! He can chaperone the event to make sure nobody gets into too much mischief!

Beth


This is so much fun!! Well in answer to your question, I think they should definitely dress to get messy!! Here is what I think any one of our babies could be doing at least at some point that day!!!I could easily see this as a photo of Jordan, Joshua or Autumn, I mean she may be a little girl, but if she is anything like her Mom she is much more likely to be chasing frogs than picking roses!!!

Jenny






















Beautiful picture, Jenny!

Beth


Oh YAY! Fun in the mud. LOVE the picture. Lily will be in the hunt too.

Suzanne


This is so touching, praying for you Jenny. I'm sure Emily likes to garden just like her mother so she will give Jordan a bunch of flowers for his birthday.

Treena


Yep, my boys will join in the frog chasing with just a bit of mudslinging and water splashing; probably Amanda as well, she's a bit of a tomboy.

Christina will likely hang back a bit; she's a little shy.

But Elizabeth will soon have her and lots of others laughing and giggling with her sunny nature.

David and Daniel will likely bring some pets with them. Like their daddy they truly enjoy working with and being around animals. So expect a few dogs, cats, bunnies and maybe a lamb or two to add a little chaos to the party. I'm sure they'll be bringing a puppy for Jordan's present.
What a happy scene It is comforting to think of all our children enjoying each others company; just as their mommies enjoy each others friendship here on earth. Bless you Jenny for giving us all this gift of imagining.
Barb


Gabe, a mighty prayer warrior and adventurer, will bring his heavenly "rescue pack", "map", imagination, and love of the heavenly outdoors. His gift to Jordan will be a "field journal" where they can record all of their adventures and everything they learn along the way. They'll go stomping through the woods and splashing through the springs making all kinds of wondrous discoveries. Since Koen is already bringing Jordan a suit of armor and a play sword, Gabe will bring him a sling shot with some nice shiny round pebbles. The warrior angels who happen to be taking a break from their own spiritual battles on earth, are enjoying teaching the boys marksmanship as they skip pebbles across the lake.Gabe shares a love of meeting new people with his sister Danielle. He can't wait to meet all the children of his mommy's HP friends. Just like his sister he'll want to know everyone's names and who they belong to so he can pray for them by name.

Holly


Well Jenny...Abigail Rose will have to bring stars for everyone to ride in after they all have a piece of cake after all she is my Star Angel. Plus she will bring flowers for everyone cause she too will be a gardener like her mommy. And she would bring a lab puppy to all the little ones so everyone could have puppies just like she did. Our precious babies... as much as we miss them one day we too will be able to rejoice with them. Thinking of you as your day approaches.

God bless,

Maria

Daniel, who is silly like his daddy, will make up a joke for Jordan. I have a feeling that if we could hear the joke, we wouldn't get it, but the kids will all think it's hilarious. Bella will go with Autumn and a bunch of the other girls to pick wild flowers, which they will make into crowns for all of the kids.Jenny, I'm so glad we can be with you in our hearts as you remember Jordan.

Beth


I'm pretty sure my precious Landyn is a farmer at heart like his daddy. So, he will bring a John Deere tractor to Jordan to play with and plant the rows of corn for everyone to eat!!

Joy


Well Jenny, Hannah will bring Jordan lots of love and hugs. She was so lovable while here on earth, so I definitely think that is what she will bring with her. Also she will bring her moms delicious chocolate cake as she would love to brag there and say her mom makes the best cake ever.... She will also bring him a red toy sports car to play with.Wish we could be there..... Lots of photos is just going to have to be taken so that we can see it one day.Thanks Jenny, for inviting Hannah to you DS party!!!!!

Megan


Mark and Samuel will bring their John Deere toy tractors for everyone to play with. Their daddy loves to work in the tractor - and they want to be just like daddy. They will also have to bring their dog along - they don't go anywhere without her!Oh Yeah - great grandpa will have to come along too - he needs to keep a close eye on those two - they can get in trouble in a hurry. Great grandpa can provide a grandpa lap for anyone who wants to sit on it and he can tell great stories too!!
Lisa

My Hannah will bring Jordan lots of giggles and hugs. She will bring him the gift of reminding him of how much his mommy loves him. She will read stories to all the other children. Probably her mommy's favorite... "I love you forever"."I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

Happy Birthday Jordan!!

Tanya


This is so sweet and making me cry buckets as I remember all my precious babies in heaven: at least 5 bio and 8 adoptees! I hope Jordon is prepared for LOTS of kisses and hugs from my affectionate ones. And "shhhhhhhh!" They're planning to surprise him w/ a Dove-Release...imagine hundreds of thousands of white doves soaring overhead in a glorious sheen of brilliant white?!? Shhhhh!

Lois



My Samuel will bring a big plate overflowing with home-made chocolate chip cookes, a Tonka Truck wrapped in bright wrapping paper for Jordan to open, and big hugs for Jordan's mommy! I can't wait to see your pictures... what a wonderful day!

Amy


My Hannah Marie will bring infectious laughter and as I am sure she loves flowers like her mommy, large colorful bouquets of every flower imaginable.This is so incredibly touching. Thank you.

Wanda

My little ones will bring bubbles for everyone. My parents will be with them. My momma will bring books for our little ones can take turns sitting in her lap while she reads them.

Melinda



I have a feeling my Daddy, Grandma, and sister, Tammy, will probably stop by Jordan's special bday party tomorrow. Daddy will want to hold and love on each one while they squirm and want down to go play. I know he would want to read them "Green Eggs and Ham" and take them for ice-cream. Grandma has been in Heaven for a long time and she will want to make sure the babies/kids do not miss a thing. She will probably want to bring chocolate cookies and thoroughly enjoy it when they get the chocolate all over them! My sister will sit quietly watching and being a paramedic she can now sit and not have to worry about anyone getting sick or hurt as they play to their heart's desire. Happy Birthday Jordan. We love you (and your Mommy and Daddy too)Thank you, Jenny.

Kim

Jordan's First Birthday! Balloon Release!

For Jordan's First Birthday we wanted to really celebrate the miracle and joy we had in meeting Jordan and in knowing that he is now and forever in Heaven joined with our Lord! My first thought was to have a huge balloon release and to order balloons with his name printed on them.

After giving this more thought, I realized that Jordan would not be spending his special day alone, and there would be many much loved and much missed babies gathered around him. I asked my dear friends if they would be willing to allow me to release a balloon for their children as well. Thankfully my friends were willing to join in our celebration! The balloons pictured to the left are the balloons from my sisters at
http://hannahsprayer.org



It was an amazing task to inflate and write names on these balloons, knowing how precious these little ones are.
We put great love and great respect into every balloon, recognizing the love and trust these moms put into allowing us to represent their children at his party. Even my teenage sons treated each balloon as if they had been entrusted with the actual much loved babies the balloons represented. It was a very precious time.
The balloons to the left here represent the dear friends I met at http://hyperemesis.org/forums









These balloons represent babies from http://www.rowantreefoundation.org/
Most of these babies were lost to Trisomy 18.
We released many balloons not individually shown here for babies of mothers I have a personal relationship through emails or our personal relationships. For some reason I didn't think to do a group shot of those babies' balloons.

Some balloons had names of children born alive who later died, like Jordan. Some were balloons of children miscarried in the second or third trimester like Joshua. Some were for babies lost even earlier like Autumn, first trimester or even as dearly loved and hoped for Embies.





With all of these babies represented I really only had one trouble maker and I had to write this note to her Mother...

Now Stephanie, I need to talk to you about your little Isabella. I think she may be a bit silly and wanted to make sure that you knew she was having fun today. My son inflated her balloon, I wrote her name on it, he inflated Lucas' balloon I wrote his name on his, then about ten minutes later, their strings had fallen off. I retied the strings and put them with the other balloons, and a few minutes later Isabella's balloon popped! I got her a fresh balloon in a new color, wrote her name on it, tied the string on, and the string fell off!!!!! Ok, retied the string, put it in the dinning room with the other balloons and while everyone was here her NEW BALLOON popped!!! So I got her a new balloon, the prettiest one I could find a beautiful shade of purple with a silver string. I told her that was the prettiest one I had, and I rejoined her to her siblings balloons. From then on she was fine. I think that she just wanted some attention, and for her mommy to get a personal note about it! I told her too, I said, Now young lady, I am going to tell your mother about this! Her
personallity sure seemed to be beaming down!

As you can see in the photo to the left, we had over 200 balloons. That is a huge party in Heaven! Thankfully some of these babies had grandparents who were probably attending the Heaven party with them!! Just think how busy those laps must have been?!








As we were sitting around eating, the doorbell rang and it was a beautiful bouquet of balloons from Suzanne and Erin!! Now here is the really cool part... I had bought Jordan a special mylar balloon that said "1st Birthday Boy", I had wished I had gotten two of those so I could save one and let one go. THE EXACT balloon was in the bouquet!!! We saved the bouquet and let the other one go with all of the other balloons we had planned to release!! Isn't it so amazing how God works these things out?













Here is our group just moments before the release. Another miracle we received is that all the week before and every day since, the weather has been rainy and terrible, but for Saturday only, we had clear skies!!











UP!














UP!!

















UP!!!



















And Away to Heaven!!!