The Rest of the Story 2005

After finding out that I was pregnant in June, I felt like so much healing could take place. I had so many great hopes.



Because my c-section was so recent, I began to show right away. This photo is of me at only twelve weeks!















Here is our ultrasound taken at nine weeks. Isn't he just so cute! The ultrasound tech was sure that our baby was healthy. His growth was measuring ahead for his age, and his nuchal fold looked really good though it was too soon to preform that test effectively. We were scheduled for an NT scan on August 19th.

August 17, we went in for a routine exam. The nurse was not able to get a heartbeat from using the doppler, but I was only 13 weeks 5 days pregnant and that can be normal, especially with the scaring from the recent c-section. They decided to do an ultrasound just to make sure that all was well.

I knew as soon as the wand hit my tummy that our baby had died. I had enough ultrasounds under my belt to know what to expect. He was lying there lifeless. That beating heart we had seen the month before was now still. I immediately began sobbing. My husband said, "Don't worry sweetheart." and my OB said, "I am so sorry." and then Charles knew too, our baby had died.

The next day we came in for a follow up ultrasound with a better quality machine to confirm that our baby had died. I asked my doctor if there was anyway to get a photo of our baby could he please. Even if it was just a tiny foot or hand or anything. He said if I brought my camera to the OR he would do his best.

Then we went to the hospital for the D&C. Our hospital experience was terrible this time. The nurses were patronizing and didn't listen to what was really going on and kept asking the same painful questions over and over. I had to tell them at least five times that this was the second baby we had lost in six months. I mentioned the c-section in March and she asked, why are you already pregnant if you have a baby at home. I had to say that he had also died. Then she asked when my last surgery was. I told her I had a c/s in March, she acted surprised and asked about the baby. She asked when was the last time I had pain meds. I had a c/s in March, she was again surprised why are you pregnant already? Over and over the same question came up. It was torture. Every time I told her he died, she would say, "Oh that's no fun at all." EVERY time!!!! It took her over an hour to fill out a one page admitting paper, then finally another nurse came in and took it away from her and did it herself. The nurse had to stick me at least five times to get a vain and then let it bleed all over. She said, "Wow that is sure a lot of blood." But made no effort to stop the bleeding or clean it up. Another nurse again had to take over.

Once we were ready for 'the proceedure' I had to walk to the OR. That was a horrible walk. I could hardly make my feet take those steps knowing that my baby would be gone when I awoke. When I got to the OR, my OB wasn't there yet, and I was holding the camera. I asked the nurse where I should put it and told her that my doctor had said to bring it and he would try to get a photo. She said, "Oh honey, there won't be anything left to get a picture of!" and kind of giggled a little. I was horrified. Just then my doctor walked in and heard her and took the camera and gave her a dirty look. I wonder what was said while I was asleep.

I was out pretty quickly after that and woke up in the recovery room. I felt so terrible and sad. My baby was gone. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to look at my visitors, but I didn't want to be alone either. My husband, his aunt and my friend Amber were all there waiting for me. I just wished I could die or at least go back to that deep sleep of anesthesia. Soon after Amber had to leave and Charles walked his aunt out to her car. I was alone. Two women came in to the recovery room, as I lay there sobbing, and started doing inventory. They were calling out names of machines and the serial numbers of them. I was horrified. I just wanted peace and quiet. It was as if everything else was amplified. I couldn't believe that of all the time they could be doing inventory that it had to happen while I was laying there bleeding and missing my baby. I covered my head with my pillow and sobbed violently. But none of it stopped, it went on for 45 minutes. Then I heard my nurse on the phone with someone. "No do not dispose of it, the parents want it cremated." "IT?" are they talking about my baby?

The nurse said I could go home soon. I asked her when I would get my rhogam shot. She said, "Oh you are O- aren't you?" Let me call the lab for your blood test results. I told her I had the card right there in my purse from the last time, she said the lab had to confirm it first. We had to wait an addition four HOURS for this confirmation. After about three hours, she said, "Oh you are getting a roommate! Another Mom needs to come in here to recover from her c-section! We need to make room for her and for the bassinet for the baby." I began to sob. I asked her, "Can I just sit in the hallway or something? Please don't make me lay here with a baby in the room." She looked at me with a blank look on her face like I was some baby hater or something. She seemed offended that I didn't want to see the baby, but allowed me to sit in a chair in another room while we waited.

Finally we got to go home. I just wanted to sink into my bed and never get up again. I think I would have done just that if it hadn't been for my family's love. They forced me out of bed and back into life. But still I wanted to die. My Mother in law bought a beautiful bench and two pinwheels to put in our yard so I could sit and think of my babies. My sons each did their parts to be very sweet. My husband was amazing. He built two flower beds and planted over 150 flower bulbs as a memorial area for our babies. Taking care of those flowers was my way of caring for my babies I would not get to see until Heaven.

One month later I got the test results back. We found out that our little baby was a boy. Joshua Michael Davidson. We also found out that he had Trisomy 21, also known as Down's Syndrome. There is no link between Down's Syndrome and Trisomy 18. It is just a fluke they say, that we had two babies lost to a Trisomy. Lightning can strike twice.

The depression didn't let up. After about a month of feeling like I was dead inside, Charles talked me into talking to my doctor about it. I was put on Zoloft for depression and within a week, I felt so much better. I was almost back to my old self. I was able to process and work through my grief. It was an amazing gift.

November 15 I had a feeling I was pregnant again. I requested a blood test. It came back as a six! Five and under is considered a negative test. I had a six! I had to wait a week for a second test I took it on November 22, that one was a 41. I was pregnant again!! November 24, I began spotting and had another test November 29, I got the results on December 1, my HCG was down to a 3, we had lost that baby too. We didn't know if our baby was a boy or a girl. But we decided to name her Autumn Joy. This is what this baby meant to us.

I am writing this four months after losing our sweet Autumn Joy and I think that her loss hits me more today than it did that day in November. I guess your heart only lets you feel what you can handle and at that point, I was already on overload.

We are still trying to conceive a baby. And very much hope to report soon that we are again blessed with that hope.