Getting to Know Christopher

With the divorce finally final, Charles and I could look toward our future together. The boys were safely in our care. The judge had told Christopher that he could choose whether or not he wanted to visit his father. He chose not to. Benjamin and Zachary spent every other weekend with their dad. This time alone with Christopher allowed me to spend a lot of time trying to help him heal from a lifetime of his father's ridicule. I could see that Christopher was trying in every way possible to be as opposite of his father as he could be. How could I blame him? Hadn't I chosen Charles much because he was opposite of my ex husband? Still I tried to encourage Christopher to search for what made him happy instead of just becoming the opposite of his father.

Christopher began showing signs of brilliance when he was still very young. Yet, he had struggled in school so much. I asked the school to do some testing on him. I had heard of Asperger's syndrome and wondered if Christopher could be showing signs of that. It is described as a sub category of Autism. Children with Asperger's syndrome demonstrate very high IQ levels but struggle with social situations and obsess over small details or certain hobbies. Christopher was content to be in his room for long hours just playing with his computer. He had little interest in friendships.

The testing showed that he did not have Asperger's Syndrome. His IQ was very high coming in at averages above 150! The school psychiatrist who performed the tests stated that he had a lot of unresolved issues with his father. I found a counselor who Christopher liked so he could have someone to talk to. He enjoyed those weekly visits very much, however, after about six months his grades hadn't improved and he wasn't any more interested in friendships or reestablishing relationships with his family in Oregon than when he had started.

One day I received a phone call that came as a complete shock to me. Christopher's principal from school was calling to say that he had been the victim of a hate crime. I couldn't figure out what kind of hate crimes they had for 6 foot 3 inch blue eyed white boys. The principal said that he had been shoved into a wall, thrown on the floor and someone threw milk on him. I was very sad for my son, not knowing why anyone would do such a thing.

When Christopher came home, I asked him about what had happened. I had been searching my brain to figure out what kind of hate crime he could possibly have been a victim of. Finally it occurred to me. I asked him, "Christopher, are you questioning your sexual identity?" His answer was very quiet. "Not exactly questioning." So that was it. Everything that I had ever heard about parents of gay sons came flooding into my mind at once. I knew this was my one chance to show my son unconditional love. I knew that much of my son's self esteem was going to hang on my next words. I knew that everything I knew about God and Christianity and my son's salvation was hanging there too. I felt as if I had suddenly found myself on a tightrope hundreds of feet in the air.

My first words out of my mouth were, "Christopher, you know that I will always love you, no matter what right?"

His answer was a yes, but spoken so softly and almost more as a question itself than an answer.

I asked him if he was ok physically. Did the boys at school hurt him? He said he was fine, just embarrassed, hurt and angry. I knew that Christopher was well versed in what the bible had to say on this subject. I knew that he did not need to hear a lecture from me. But I also felt that to avoid this subject completely would not be true to my convictions or faith. So very softly I told him, "Christopher, I know you know what the bible says about this right?" he nodded his head. "Then there is no reason for me to say any of that, but if you would like a book on the subject we can give you one. Do you want a book about the biblical teachings regarding homosexuality?" he nodded again. "Ok, I will find you one, but just realize this. No matter what you choose to do with your life. No matter who you date, or where your interests take you, I will always love you with all of my heart." Then we hugged.

Of course accepting in the abstract was very different from seeing him become more expressive about his sexuality. I suppose that is hard for moms even when their sons are straight. It is hard to see them interested in girls, but interested in boys was a whole different ball game. One day he had been at a public park with a boy he was interested in and some older men started pushing them to the ground and calling them horrible names. The boys had only been sitting on a bench talking and these men in their thirties decided they needed to step in. Christopher had my cell phone with him and called me in a panic crying. I sped to the park but them men were gone before I got there and Christopher and Thomas had been hiding out near the teen center. They got into my car and I took them to our house to watch movies. Seeing Christopher and Thomas together was somewhat awkward, I will admit that. But they just watched television like any two best friends would.

Christopher has cycled in and out of relationships, and has been dating one person, Alan, who I adore for more than a year now. I see the difficulties that are ahead for Christopher in the gay lifestyle. I see the pain and rejection, the fear of AIDs and fear of angry strangers and gay bashers ready to hurt my son at any moment. I see that he has totally turned away from God and refuses to attend church. These things make me sad knowing that his life has so many challenges ahead. But no matter what, he is still that little baby I held alone in my hospital room so many years ago. He is still the boy who earned me a Mother's Heart. I will love him and be at his side for his entire life.

Christopher has opened my eyes to the challenges that plague a gay teen. I read up on the PFLAG website to learn that the average high school student hears 25 gay slurs a day. A gay teen will hear much more than this. Can you imagine learning that more than 25 times a day your child is told they are garbage? Gay teens are six times more likely to commit suicide! It became my goal to make sure that Christopher always knew he was deeply loved.

Of course being gay wasn't the only thing going on in Christopher's life. He was still a normal average teenage boy. He had the regular teenage stuff to deal with too. He went through all of the normal stuff teens go through with trying to establish his independence and to become his own person. It seemed to me that with every choice he made, he mostly just tried to be the opposite of his macho, strict, angry father. It broke my heart to see him trying so hard to be the opposite.

After not seeing his father or his cousins or grandparents for six months, Christopher agreed to visit one weekend in October. He had an ok time and decided he would go up for Christmas and his birthday 2004. This time was not so good. His father gave him a porn magazine and told him "This is what real men look at." Instead of finding a ways to enjoy his short amount of time with Christopher he took advantage of the extra pair of hands and put him to work cleaning and helping him move from his small apartment to an RV in his parents yard. Christopher was horrified that this was how he was to be spending his 16th birthday and called me and begged me to come and get him. My good friend was driving from Medford to Redding that day so she volunteered to go pick Christopher up. That was one year ago, and Christopher has not visited or spoken to any of his Oregon relatives since.

I suppose most parents go through ups and downs with their teens as kids want to rebel from everything their parents hold to be true. Christopher and I have definitely had our ups and downs in the past couple of years. But I can definitely say that as Christopher turns 17 years old this week, we are closer than most families. I can say that I have shown him unconditional love in ways that most parents never imagine. I can say that Christopher though he has made very different life choices than I have, is an amazingly wonderful, strong, independent young man. I can absolutely say I am proud to be his Mom.