New Hope

We met with Dr. Williams on January 18 for the first time. He scheduled our first ultrasound for January 28th. He wasted no time. This ultrasound showed Jordan still moving around and looking good in there. His heart was functioning well and his brain looked very good. We began to hope for some time with Jordan. We told Dr. Williams that we were willing to do whatever it took to meet Jordan alive. Whether that meant having a natural childbirth or a c-section, having him early or keeping him in as long as possible. Whatever it took we would do it. Dr. Williams agreed to do his best to help us to meet Jordan alive.

He also agreed to do everything he could to make the remainder of my pregnancy more bearable. He reinstated my half time disability so I didn't have to work full time and offered to put me on full disability. There were a few things I wanted to finish up at work before leaving so for now half time was good. He made sure that I always had all of the Zofran that I needed. For the first time in months I actually gained weight! Dr. Williams scheduled extra times for us to hear Jordan's heartbeat, and extra ultrasounds to enjoy the time we had with him.

I met friends online who had given birth to children with Trisomy 18. The stories all made me cry, but they also gave me hope that I could survive this. I often read their stories and would try and picture myself dealing with the things ahead of me. I couldn't imagine myself walking into the hospital knowing that I was going to be induced and not knowing if my son would survive the process. I couldn't imagine myself finding out that my son had died inside of me and then going through the birth process only to pass his lifeless body from within me. I couldn't see the possibility of burying my son. I pictured myself walking away from his grave. I didn't think I could force my legs to move. I didn't think I could picture myself holding him after he died. How could I touch his lifeless body? The more I read other people's stories the more I was certain I could not accomplish the task set before me.

For the next few weeks, I spent about half of my time worrying about what lay ahead and the other half trying to bond with my unborn son knowing that this was most likely the only I time I would have with him. I read stories to him and talked to him all of the time. We had a second ultrasound. This one was a 3-D image. The photo attached to this post is from that ultrasound.

On January 31st, we met with Dr. Traugott, the head of pediatrics at Mercy Medical Center. He sat with us for over an hour while we talked about what we wanted for our baby. He prepared a care plan that expressed our desire to give Jordan every chance we could while not resorting to extreme measures that would prolong his suffering. Dr. Traugott arranged for us to have as much privacy as possible while in the hospital. He also made it possible for our friends and family to have almost unlimited access to Jordan. This is very unusual for the NICU. To our relief, we were on the same page with Dr. Traugott. His gentle demeanor and loving care convinced us that God has sent an angel to answer our prayers.

Although we knew the condition was serious, we continued to pray for our baby. We prayed for complete miraculous healing. We prayed that the birth defects would not be as severe as some of the babies we had read about. We prayed that God would allow us to meet our son and to kiss his head and get to know him. We prayed that he would live to meet his younger brother or sister before going home to Jesus.

We prayed daily (and sometimes several times each day) from the day we received the diagnosis until our son was born. The only way we could survive this experience, we decided, was to press in to God and rely on Him for our strength and courage. During this time, we came to believe that every moment we were allowed to have with our son was a blessing. Thanks to the help of our good friend, Don Ostendorf, we agreed to stop grieving our loss until the appropriate time came.

Our son was with us each day and that was a reason for celebration. We began to cherish every kick and jump, every hiccup, and every stretch. We would praise God for the time we were given no matter how brief it may be.

We cried a lot and we laughed a lot. That is a good description of our life together, but during this period, the good times seemed unbelievably happy and the bad time were unbearably dark.