Broken

We got another crushing blow today. Our sweet baby is in Heaven. We are completely devastated. The next weeks will be so painful, I just can't imagine forcing myself to continue on.

I am broken.

Okish day

Today I am feeling okish, my spirits are up (thanks in part to a sweet note from hubby!), and I feel sick, but haven't thrown up all day. I am feeling more hopeful for our baby's health. I finally took another photo, the first one since our scary ultrasound eleven days ago.

Why Can't You be Who I want you to be?

This was a line in a movie I saw last weekend and it really has me thinking. In the movie a father was dissapointed in his son and didn't say this exactly but had the thought. Then his boss said it to him and it made him realize that he had been expecting his son to be someone different than he was.

Thinking about my expectations of others and their expectations of me, especially of my expectations of God. I want him to be the God who fixes everything for me, who grants me wishes. But he isn't my genie he is my God. So sometimes the answers to my prayers aren't the answers I want to hear. We live in a fallen world. There is sin and there is sickness. Bad things happen to great people. Great things happen to bad people and the reverse is true as well.

I have prayed so much this past two weeks for the healing of my baby. For this baby to live and have a long healthy life. I have had moments that I cried out to God and moments when I blamed him and screamed at him for not being the genie I can depend on. I have tried to manipulate him with the "prayer he can't resist" I have tried to be passive agressive, agressive, honest, angry, humble, and grateful. I can't manipulate him. But I can come to him, as a broken hearted daughter and tell him my fears and my hopes, and I can thank him for being there for me through the past few years of trials.

But this is not just about God. It is about how I feel others see me. People who have expected me to be who they think is the perfect stepford person, and I have let them down, because I was not made with a cookie cutter to be like anyone else. I am me. I am who God created me to be. I have great qualities, I have crap qualities. I have good days and bad. But mostly I am open and honest, and that seems to be the trait that gets me into the most trouble. Not that I am painfully cruel honest (yes those pants make your butt look HUGE), more the gutteral type of honesty, (gosh that broke my heart, is that what you meant to do? or I am having such a hard time accepting this, can you show me why it is true?)

But the thing is, we are who we are. We are who we are because God created us to be who we are. He created us in HIS image. Some of us are quiet and shy and others are outspoken and boisterous. He likes that about us. Imagine all the art creations you made as a child. How they were so different. Some crayon, some with glue and sticks, some with glitter and some with paste and dirt. But did you ever create even a single one b/c you wanted to make something ugly? No you created them all to be very different b/c you wanted them to be special.

That is who we are, and that is who those around us are.

Not much of an update...

My nick name for Charles is HG Daddy, that started on our new forum, don't remember who started it, but it has stayed.

Ok so I went to the dr today.

Did the ultrasound, baby was more clearly visible, yolk sac, amniotic fluid level, embryo. We could not see a heartbeat. Baby measured exactly the same this week as last week. So Monday Oct 29, Tues Nov 5, and today Nov 9, all measured six weeks. But with each the ultrasound showed further development of the gestational sac. Maybe this baby is just a procrastinator like his daddy?! Why grow today if you can wait and grow tomorrow?

My progesterone level test came back as lowish (13) I was so afraid my doctor would say to stop the progesterone and let nature take its course, but he said the opposite. He said, "With all you have been through I am not willing to give up yet. Double up on the progesterone and come back in a week for a follow up. I am not billing your insurance, it maybe hard to explain why we are doing ultrasounds every week." I said that HG Daddy will be out of town until the 21st could we give the baby a little more time to grow and wait for then, he said, "If you are ok with that, then that is fine." So I scheduled for Tuesday November 20 at 11 am. I have a WIC appt that morning, so it is nice that I can have HG daddy come to two in one day. I have the next five days off so I think I will take that day off too.

My doctor had tears in his eyes and said he was really sorry that he couldn't give me more promising news, and gave me a hug. I will try to scan in my u/s over the past week and a half and show you the development.

Just praying that the little one is curled up in the fetal position and hiding his/her true length.

Scared

Well I have had a tough time posting this week, because we got some potentially bad news on Monday.

My ultrasound didn't show any new growth for the baby. The heart beat was faint. The doctor sent me for blood work and the slip said, "Threatened abortion" which just means possible miscarriage.

The blood work was pretty inconclusive, at least it wasn't bad news.

Now I am just waiting for the time to go by for another ultrasound on Friday. I am scared to death. I wanted to take all of Friday off but my boss is making me work from 8-11 am before my u/s because there are trainings scheduled. I hate that. I hate the idea of sitting through boring trainings knowing my u/s is in a few hours. I won't even be thinking of what she is talking about anyway. I wish I could stay home and sleep in.

Please keep us in your prayers as we anxiously await the results on Friday. I don't know if it is in my head or if it is real, but I just don't feel as pregnant today. My heart aches so much.

My husband is out of town for the next two weeks, so good news or bad, I am on my own for this one. Well not really, I always have the Lord.