Mother's Day Approaches

Mother's Day brings up different feelings for different people. For me, it conjures up such a vast variety of feelings that I almost do not know how I will feel from moment to moment.

Most people who see me would probably think I would be one of the happiest women alive to celebrate Mother's Day. I have three amazing teenage sons. Zachary the sweet, sensitive, blonde haired, blue eyed, all American boy. He is the most thoughtful person I have ever met and loves the Lord with all that he is. Benjamin, my silly one. He can brighten up any room with his zany sense of humor, spend just a few minutes with Ben and you will be laughing a deeper laugh than you knew you could. And Christopher my brainiac. He won an award this year for the highest score in the science portion of his school's standardized testing. Yes, I am thrilled that these three wonderful young men call me Mom.

There are other sides to my life that are not so apparent when you first meet me. My Mother, my best friend, had an aneurysm burst in her brain five years ago, just after our Mother's Day celebration that year. She is still alive, however, she is severely brain injured. She does not have the use of the left side of her body and her short term memory is almost completely gone. She can not track a conversation or recognize my sons. The joyful silly Mom I knew, no longer understands jokes or laughter. The Mother I grew up with is now gone. I love the woman she is now, but she is less of a Mother and more of a child. A child with no hopes, dreams or joy.

In May of 2004, I married the love of my life. We immediately started trying to conceive a child. We found out in August that we were expecting a baby due Mother's Day 2005! We were thrilled. We did all of the usual things expectant parents do. We bought a crib, baby clothes, and blankets. We took lamaze lessons and explained the process of gestation to my three teenage sons. In December of that same year we found out that our sweet little boy had a rare genetic condition called Trisomy 18. 80% of babies with Trisomy 18 are stillborn. Of those few born alive, 90% die before their first birthday. We were devastated. Our doctor urged us to terminate our pregnancy. She called our beloved son a "Pointless nonviable fetus" and told us "It is just going to die anyway". We were able to find a wonderful doctor who helped us to meet our son alive. Jordan William Davidson was born March 10, 2005 and lived for an amazing 32 hours 7 minutes. Last year as Mother's Day approached the day our son was due to be born, I was heartbroken, having already handed him over to Heaven. This year as Mother's Day approaches my heart aches to be planning his first birthday party with Vegietales decorations and maybe a pinata.

Shortly after Jordan died, in fact, just before Father's Day 2005, we found out that we were expecting another baby. We were thrilled. My pregnancy was progressing well, until the day that felt like a bomb had dropped on our home. August 17, 2005, we went to a routine second trimester appointment with my obstetrician. He was unable to find our baby's heartbeat with the doppler, so he decided to do an impromptu ultrasound. I watched the screen intensely, hoping, praying to see our son's heart beating, praying for some movement. Sadly, our second little boy had already died. We named him Joshua Michael Davidson.

Determined that God had placed this desire in our hearts for a baby, we kept trying to conceive. In November we got the news that once again we were expecting a baby. We were hopeful but terrified. Our hope didn't last long when just two weeks later, our little Autumn Joy went home to the Lord as well.

Losing three children in one year seems impossible. It just seems like something that could only happen in a movie, a really bad movie. But somehow it happened to us. I believe the only thing harder than losing three children in a year, is watching your children lose three siblings, watching my husband lose his only three children. I wished every time that I had my own Mother to lean on during those dark times. But she rarely knows my name, she knows nothing about my babies in Heaven.

Since our last loss, we have been trying month after month to conceive again. Month after month I am broken as I pray and ask God to bless us with a healthy baby. "Be fruitful and multiply." isn't that what he told us? Am I now to be plagued with infertility?

In the last year, I have met many amazing women who have suffered from the loss of a child or the dream of conception. Some of these women lost adult children years ago, some lost babies just this month. No matter what the age of the child, no matter how long it has been since the loss, the pain is unbearable.

I have read in God's word about Hannah and her prayers for a child, and I have begged God to send us a baby, promising Him to raise that child to love the Lord. I have read about Rachel crying for her children because they are no more. I have battled post partum depression and post traumatic stress disorder.

I am not the only one who faces Mother's Day wishing things could be different. I know I am not the only one who has suffered loss. But I do miss my Mom very much. I miss my three babies who are now in Heaven. I miss the baby I hope to conceive.

Romans chapter 12 reminds us to "Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn". This Mother's Day I want to encourage everyone to practice this advice. Rejoice for those who have been blessed with children, knowing that each child is a gift from God. Whether their children have been here a day, a year, or fifty years, rejoice. And don't forget to mourn with those who mourn, remembering that there is no time limit on the love of a child. Whether a child has been gone a day, a year, or fifty years, the ache doesn't disappear. Grief is not a bad thing. Jesus himself cried when Lazerus died, knowing he would resurrect him! Do not tell her that her child didn't matter. Do not tell her it is time to move on or get over it. Her heart will ache for that child until the day she is reunited with him in Heaven. And for the women who have all of the love of a mother's heart and yet have not conceived a child, mourn with her for lost dream.

This Mother's Day, as you honor Mothers everywhere; Rejoice with those who rejoice and Mourn with those who mourn.