2002 - The Year I Met Myself

Maybe that title seems odd to you. How could I possibly meet myself at age 34? Yet, in so many ways I see that it is true. When I lost almost everything I had. When I lost the support of everyone who held me up, and I was forced to stand on my own two feet with only my own strength, I found out who I really was. I found my own strength and my own power. I found me.

I was no longer Dan and Frankie's daughter. At least not in the way I had been. I went from leaning on my parents to carrying them through the toughest time they would ever face. I was my mother's voice and my father's strength. I drove twelve hours every weekend to be at my mother's side. I helped her learn to eat again. I reminded her of songs she once knew. She and I would sing together every day, either in person or by phone. I helped her to find her voice. Even if she couldn't remember whether or not she had eaten lunch that day. She could remember any song from the seventies as long as I was willing to sing with her. I just gave her the next note, and she sang out every word.

I was no longer my husband's wife. I found an amazing strength in being able to tell him no. No you can't borrow money. No you can't yell in my home. No you can't call my son dirty names. No you can't give him porn magazines. When he was yelling at me on the phone I found the power of the off button. It was an amazing new tool! I found freedom and peace. Though the divorce was still not final, I found freedom. He was fighting the divorce and dragging the court process out by not signing papers or showing up with the wrong documents. In my heart and mind I was free from that bondage to fear and anger.

I was no longer the same Christian I had been. I had once believed in a God who was always going to shield me from hurt, pain and evil. I now knew that was not true. I still loved God, but my relationship had changed from one of absolute trust to a relationship you may envision that a beaten down dog would have with its owner. I feared God. I am not sure I believed He loved me. I wanted him too. I wanted to know what I had done to make him hate me. I was no longer in a position of ministry and believed that I never would be again. I felt a separation from God that tore my heart to pieces.

My relationship with my kids was different as well. For one, since they spent every other four days with their dad, I felt a bit of a disconnect from them. I felt as if half of their life was now off limits to me. I felt that I was only protecting them half of the time. And in a way I felt a certain freedom that I hadn't felt before. In the twelve years I had spent as a Mom, I had been with my kids almost every single day. Other than when I was away on short ministry trips I had been with them all of the time. Now for the first time, I had half of my time on my own.

With so much free time and as my first time on my own. I was no longer my husband's wife, or my Mother's daughter, or even my sons' mother. For the first time, for at least half of my days I was just Jenny. It was time to discover who she was. I discovered I loved to read. I started reading everything in sight. I discovered I was really very good at my job. I soon earned another promotion. After only two years at the teen center I was now in charge. I was the Program Supervisor. I began teaching anger managment and parent education classes. I didn't miss the irony that the two things that would have saved my marriage if only my husband would have tried to embrace them were now the things I was teaching to dozens of people. I hoped that maybe some of their families would be saved the pain that I had suffered.

I even began dating! I was so surprised that men actually found me attractive. I had been told for so many years that I was good for nothing. Now suddenly men were interested in ME! A friend talked me into joining an online dating service. I was nervous so she signed up a profile with a fake name but listed all characteristics true of me. She even posted a photo of me. I was shocked when in the first month I received over a thousand letters!! I met a few men in person for lunch or a walk who I had met online, but only two turned out to be someone I would be very interested in. Those lasted a few months. I felt so free and for the first time, I felt like I was a grown up. I found out how it felt to be a woman. Not just someone's wife, daughter, mother or servant, but I was a woman with my own identity, interests and strengths.

December 16, 2002 was the day that would completely change the course of my life. I received an online message from a man who I thought may be interesting. He seemed too far away, but I thought, hey maybe we could be good friends. I answered his email, after all, his log in name was "NiceReddingGuy" couldn't be too bad right? 2002 came to an end as I was getting to know this man better. He seemed nice, definitely funny. I enjoyed his letters very much and took a chance on a phone call. Maybe he would be as interesting to actually talk to. That first call lasted for hours as we quickly hit it off. I thought my face would never heal from the pain of laughing so much for so long. He was a Christian and even in the process of finishing his bachelor's degree in Christian Ministry Leadership. Was I strong enough to believe that God would send me a Christian man? Could I believe that God loved me enough to do that? Was this a cruel joke and was I about to be hurt again? Was I strong enough to roll the dice? Should I believe that love could, at long last, touch my life?

Now that I knew myself better. Now that I was stonger. This was my first decision based on what was best for me, and what I wanted. Of course my sons' lives weighed heavily in the equation as well. But finding love was definitely about me wanting a life that could fulfill my desire to find a soul mate. Could he be my soul mate? The only thing more scary than rolling the dice to find out, was not to roll the dice at all. I took a deep breath and a big jump and agreed to meet Charles Davidson for the first time January 3, 2003.