My first experience with Motherhood

On my 20th birthday, I got the best news a woman could ever get. I was expecting a baby! I was thrilled! After about five minutes the thrilled changed to complete panic.

Motherhood? How would I know how to do this? How would I know I was doing it right? I had not really been around small children much and I didn't really have any idea how to do the things a mother would need to do. A perfectionist at heart, I wanted to be the perfect mommy to my new baby. I spent those first few weeks of pregnancy in awe. Pregnant? Wow, what a concept!

About eight weeks into my pregnancy, I started to get morning sickness. How cute I thought, this is just like the movies. It was very exciting at first to get this confirmation that the doctor had been right. There was indeed a baby in there. After a week or two of normal morning sickness, it turned into some sort of monster. My insides felt like they were being ravaged. I threw up all of the time, day, night, outdoors, indoors, it didn't matter, I was throwing up. Eventually I became so sick that I was hospitalized and given IV fluids for a week. That helped a lot, but I was still very sick.

I would write letters to my new baby telling him or her, how much I loved the idea of being a mommy. Since I didn't know the baby's gender, I combined the two names I had chosen. Amanda for a girl, and Christopher for a boy. The letters were written to "Dear Amandapher". Pretty soon those love letters started to change into letters about life or death and could I really survive nine months of this unending vomitting. I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. It was completely horrible. The medications all had horrific side effects.

Finally at 20 weeks pregnancy, it was like a curtain lifted and I could once again function. I was done vomitting and could go back to my previous terror, HOW do you mother a newborn? I read books and watched television shows on parenting. I bought every magazine I could find that could teach me something. I learned a whole new vocabulary that was necessary to mothers and no one else on Earth it seemed; Muconium, newborn poop, Effacement, something my cervix was supposed to do that last trimester. I hadn't even known I had a cervix! Wow, lots to learn.

After reading everything I could find on mothering, I realized, now I have to buy stuff. Babies need a lot of stuff. Who would have thought someone so much smaller than me needed so much? First things first, a crib and stroller. Well, I was very blessed and the babies Great Grandmother bought those two items. They were completely beautiful. I was so happy to see them in my home anticipating their future occupant! I found a craddle I fell in love with. It had dark cherry wood and a brass pin to keep it from rocking when unattended. Three babyshowers later, we had most of the stuff a baby needs. Our home was full to overflowing, now all we needed was a baby.

Amandapher was due on December 15. As December approached I imagined what it would be like to have that surprise moment when my water would break. I was so uncomfortable, I began dreaming of a Thanksgiving baby. Thanksgiving came and went without any signs of baby. Everyyday I woke up and wondered, is it today? Will I meet you today? And every night I went to bed certain I would never fall asleep as long as this enormous bowling ball of an infant stayed in there. December 15 came and went no baby. I began to get frustrated and tried many of the things people said would induce labor, nothing. I went out with my baby's father to find a Christmas tree in the woods. Our truck got stuck in the snow and we had to walk five miles. I was certain this would kick in labor. No such luck, still very pregnant, we moved closer and closer to Christmas.

Christmas Day it snowed six inches in our small town! My husband was working and I was home, very lonely and very pregnant. My brother's wife showed up to surprise me and take me to my parent's home for Christmas so I wouldn't be alone. We had a wonderful day but I still couldn't believe that my baby was not yet there to enjoy a Christmas with me.

Two days later, I was hospitalized to induce labor. At last this baby would be born!! I labored and labored, pushed and passed out for 24 hours. Finally December 28, 1988, 8:24 pm Christopher Jacob Trowbridge made his beautiful way into our world. He screamed and screamed. He did not like the bright lights in the room. I was so unsure of what to do for him. My doctor was busy stitching me up, and he just said, "You'll know what to do."

I really didn't. At last my mom and husband took Christopher into the hallway to meet the rest of his family. Out of the bright lights he finally calmed down. About an hour later, I was back in my room comfortable in my bed, and nervous for when everyone would leave. What then? What am I supposed to do with this little baby who is so helpless? Did these people really know what they were doing leaving him alone with ME?

Eventually the room cleared out and Christopher and I finally had a moment alone. I looked at this tiny helpless little boy. So beautiful, so sweet, so tiny, and fell head over heals in love. I can't describe this feeling to anyone who has never felt it any more than you can describe a sunset over the ocean to someone who has never seen one. It was like a wave washed over me. A wave that forever changed me as a human being, as a woman, and as a Mother. I was a different person now. My life didn't matter at all. Who was I in comparison to this tiny person? I was no longer my Mother's daughter, I was Christopher's Mom. What an honor to be the mother of this amazing little boy!

I spent that first night examining and memorizing everything about him. How his fingers curled around mine, how his lips moved when he was sleeping, how his eyes looked up at me with so much love and trust. I knew at that moment that I was forever different. I knew that I would fight off angry wolves for this little boy, I knew I would give my life for his in a moment without consideration of anything else.

I had become a Mother with a heart only another Mother could understand. This was the day I received My Mother's Heart.