My First Year Mothering

My first year as a Mother was a busy one. Christopher was very collicky but walking with him and patting his back seemed to help a lot so we spent a lot of nights walking up and down hallways. I felt almost a compulsion to buy him any and everything I thought would bring a smile to his sweet little face. He had every toy within my price range and more clothes than any baby could possibly need.

I was working full time as a bank teller. In the mornings I dropped Christopher off at my Mom's house, and on my lunch hour I transfered him over to my Mother-in-laws home. In the evenings we played together. Christopher had the good fortune of always being the center of attention. His four morning hours with my parents were spent being videotaped and played with nonstop. Then four hours with his other grandmother to be spoiled and played with some more. They were always baking something. His evening time with me was our only time together and we spent it playing peek a boo and singing songs. His first year was definitely charmed.

Just after he turned one, on my 22nd birthday I found out that I was pregnant again! My birthday seemed to be the most wonderful day of the year! But of course that also meant another December baby was on its way. Somehow this time was different. I just knew he was a boy. I didn't dream of girl names or clothes. I just knew, this would be my Benjamin. Though I did get very sick, it was not even close to being as bad as the previous year with Christopher.

My biggest fears during that pregnancy were around whether or not I would be able to love Benjamin the way I loved Christopher. Christopher was my entire life, he was my joy the center of my world. How could I allow another child to take any of that away? How could I bring up a second child without enough love to go around? These thoughts consumed me for the next months leading up to December. Is there enough love in the world for two special boys? I really didn't see how it was possible. I had never even experienced anything close to the love I held for Christopher. I was unwilling to divide that love between my boys. I was unwilling to love either of them any less. My heart was on a rollercoaster ride of its life.

Benjamin was growing quickly and the doctors quickly worried that he would be too big for me to deliver. Because of this, they induced me a week early. I was so excited to be meeting Benjamin. I arrived in the hospital on December 6, nervous yet excited. The doctors hooked me up to all of the machines and an IV of pitocin. For three days they induced me, I had contractions every five minutes. Yet, no Benjamin! So they sent me home!! What a walk of shame that was. To leave the hospital after three days of labor still quite pregnant. I went home for a week and returned the following week to try again.

Finally December 14 1990 Benjamin Daniel Trowbridge was born into the world. What a beautiful little boy! I was surprised at how much he looked like his big brother. I was surprised at how much he looked like me. Mostly I was surprised at how much I loved him. Immediately that Mother's Heart I had earned two years earlier doubled in size. The crashing waves of love were more like tidal waves.

So this is how it is done. This is how a Mother is able to love them all? The love doesn't divide, it mulitiplies. I was overwhelmed with a deeper love than I knew was possible. Then an hour later that love muiltiplied even more the first time both of my sons were together. Watching Christopher looking at his tiny brother, hearing his tiny voice say "How cute!" My heart was full to overflowing. "This is amazing," I thought. This is Motherhood.