Dear Jeremiah, 18 was just too young to die

My son Christopher's friend wrote a message on myspace last night that he was going to commit suicide. I called 911 but he went through with what he promised in his note. Last night, he jumped off a 700 foot bridge and died.

I am so distraught. This was a beautiful 18 year old boy. What could make him that sad? We emailed each other every few days, he was always asking about the dr phil show and said he had gotten addicted to it this last couple of weeks hoping to see me on it. He was funny, sweet, lovable. Now he is gone.

What didn't I do that I could have done? I know there is nothing. But that question keeps ringing in my head, I called 911 right when I got the email but it was an hour after he sent it. His mother found his car parked and called the police. The police found his body below the bridge. This beautiful kid is dead. why?

I can't stop crying. My ptsd issues are right out here on the surface. I will be thinking of this wonderful boy or his mom, and it is like I am right back where I was two years ago with Jordan.

How will his mother survive this? I wish I knew her. She lives in another city and we have never met. That poor woman, what is she doing today? Is she calling loved ones? Is she viewing the body of her beautiful son who made this horrible choice? Is she in a heap on the floor unable to move at all?

I can't stop crying. Why does this world hurt so much? Too much for this young man to live another day? He had a job interview scheduled today. He had hopes and dreams. He was a beautiful writer.

Please remember Jeremiah with love you can see his beautiful smile on his myspace photos

http://www.myspace.com/zackery88

Here is his blog from just a month ago

Okay....Here I am...18 Years Old
My life so far has been
interesting...

I've lived in 2 States, 5 different citys, lost a father, lost a grandfather. Discovered who i am...*whispers (a homosexual) Witnessed life, witnessed death. Survived a Car Accident, had triple pnemonia. Loved, been loved. Liked, Been liked. Discovered the joy of Pepsi, and Jamba Juice. Realized the wonders of San Francisco. Got my licence at age 16. Got a speeding ticket at age 18. Tivo, Cingular, Myspace are my favorite words. Felt the emotions of a terrorist attack that to this day i remember every moment of that day. My mom is a wonderful, witty, crazy corney lady. Public School sucks, Cyndi Lauper doesnt. Realized a baboon is in the white house. Will always remember my aunt carol. Have lost 60 lbs. Have had 2 jobs. Been in love with a Cellular Phone company for their logo and feautures. Discovered the joy of having stuff in common with another person. Been heartbroken. Missed someone so much (dead) that i wish i was with them, but the joys of life are too good to end it all. Have realized that my first 18 years have been wonderful. Wonderful meaning, its been Great, fair, shitty, and Great again. I havent described everything thats happened, just a few things, that come to mind easaly. That is me....So far =)

My reply to him that day

You are a wise man! So sorry for your losses, grief is a very difficult thing especially as a young person. It is great that you can recognize both the miracles and heartbreaks in your life. And yes tivo is a beautiful thing!! Just imagine what you have in store in the next 18 years!

I continue to be shocked by the finality of it all. Like I can't just call him up and fix it, let him know I love him, offer to have him stay here with us if he wanted out of Yreka so badly until his mom's house sold and they were able to move. I can't offer to take him to coffee and chat or just give him a hug again. He is such a sweet wonderful kid. How can he be gone? He had a job interview yesterday, did they call his house to offer the job? What will his mom say to them? How crushing for her. What if they write a letter to say he was not chosen? How much will that crush her too?

Why didn't he tell us he was sad? I feel like I am talking my kids down off the ledge today. I have pulled them aside to remind them how much they are loved, to all the have to look forward to, to remind them that though there are days that suck horribly, there are also days that seem to go perfectly from start to finish. That they are loved completely by me who will fail them from time to time but love them for all time, but even more loved by God who will never fail them, and will love them forever. They keep saying that they have never doubted my love or their hope for the future. But I feel like I have to say to them what maybe I didn't take the chance to say to Jeremiah.

The same goes for all of you here! I love you all so much. If you ever feel like you have no hope, like there is no one who would notice if you were gone tomorrow. I would notice, I love you all so much. There is never a night so dark that the morning can't come.

I love you all so much, I want you to really really know that.

Ok is it creepy to call all of my kids friends and tell them that? yes I guess so, but I want to call everyone and say, "I love you, now come down off the ledge." I want to say that to Jeremiah so much.